Last week was what seemed like an impossible week. Working to come down from weeks of mania we got aggressive (be aggressive, be be aggressive!) and it took a toll on my body. I could barely function, but I was too stubborn to take time off work due to an upcoming vacation that now is just around the corner.
I worked my hardest to exist, and then I worked ten times harder to try and do my job in some sort of a capacity that resembled my normal fashion.
News Alert!! I barely passed. And today I have been dealing with all the piles of crap that I left unfinished, semi-finished, and barely attempted in a scattered, “a tornado just blew through here” fashion. I have been picking up the pieces all day, shaking my head, asking myself what the hell was I thinking and being quite embarrassed for what I did and did not do.
Saying that it is hard to co-habitat with a mental illness is clearly an understatement. At this point, I will need to redo most of what I did last week. I had an uber important meeting this morning and in my mind, it was my worst ever. It took everything in me to not sink down in my chair, hide under the table and when no one was looking crawl out the door and run to my car and cry.
But I had a whole day left, a day full of tasks to complete and there was no time for a melt down and the pity party was really getting lame. I messed up. The reality of the situation is that I did the best I could with the tools that I had to work with, which happened to be a pretty sedated brain coming down from an extended manic episode.
It was made clear today that I cannot be, and I am not perfect. AND no one ever asked me to be. It was only ever asked that I try and do my best.
Some days are more challenging than others. There are days that zip by and I end the day with a giant smile on my face, while others tip toe through the seconds of the day painfully and I dread every second. I am still learning how to cohabitate with Bipolar Disorder. I think I have it and then there’s a twist, a turn and a somersault and I realize that I have no clue what I am doing, I get scared and I freeze.
Other days, like this morning, I get immense, immense joy from something so incredibly simple it is silly, like for example, eating a buttered jelly piece of toast. I had no idea I was going to have a day from hell, that I was going to mentally beat myself to a pulp and I was going to be held accountable for the actions of the side effects of the mental illness that I suffer from. Yet, this morning, I had joy. And that was simply amazing. So when I look back on this day, I am going to ignore all the crap and I am going to focus on the fact that I felt joy today, pure uninterrupted joy, and that’s something that has not happened in sometime, and for this I am beyond thankful.