A week ago, at the early hour of 6 AM we left the desert to head to the Pacific Northwest for a respite from the heat of the desert and returned home yesterday evening. A full week away. The weather while away was divine, the views were picturesque and my family had what seemed to be the time of their lives.
We walked here and there. In the sun and in the rain. Up hills and down hills. On streets and in forests. Down the coast and up mountains. We went to a vineyard and a brewery. Ice cream shops and book stores. Zoos and aquariums. We slept and we ate. We drove a bit too. It was a very full week. I feel like we accomplished much of what we wanted to and for the most part of the weather cooperated.
I took snapshots each day that summed up the day for friends and family to see and for me to have as keepsakes. Just four or five pictures that captured what my eyes saw and what I found to be beautiful and what brought me happiness. But in reality, I was struggling, and it was horrible and I kept it mainly to myself in attempts to not ruin the vacation. With all the amazing sights and sounds around me it was breaking my heart to be in a place where all I wanted to do was to go home.
It seems that I inadvertently packed the Costco quantity carton of anxiety and it was kicking my ass the whole trip. If I wasn’t thinking about what could go wrong as if I was playing my own version of the Worst Case Scenario Game, then the OCD had me convinced that I was going to contract something and I was going to get sick. I think I went through a whole bottle of antibacterial lotion and the dryness of my hands says that’s pretty accurate.
My brain was on a loop. And while on the loop my irritability rose. I kept reminding myself that I needed to not take it out on my family, any strangers, wait staff or little yippy dogs. I wanted to break down and cry, but the tears did not come. I sat in silence, listening to my loop, counting down the days until I see my doctors and I can speak with her and find out what we can do because this, this, is torture.
Today, this day of rest, all I want to do is lay in bed with my little baby Roo (my youngest cat) because when I am sleeping the loop stops. My brain is freed and I have relief.