Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Celebrating 10 Years – Aluminium

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A decade consists of ten years.

When it comes to relationships, in today’s day and age, ten years in existence to be considered vintage.

I am proud, ecstatic, emotionally thrilled, to share that we are celebrating our tenth year together as of this weekend.

Looking back, there are years that went by quick, like super flash fast, a blur, and other years that were painful, teeth grinding and heart breaking.

 

December 2015 I had a hysterectomy for the beginning stages of uterine cancer and severe Endometriosis.  Post surgery we did not start hormones (which in hindsight, was a mistake), by January of 2016, I was in pieces.  February I was diagnosed with Bi Polar 1 with a few other diagnoses. By March, I was facing in patient treatment and on medical leave for close to 9 months.  It was a very hard time. (Probably quite an understatement)

Traditionally, many wedding vows include the passage, through thick and thin, sickness and health, and although we have actually never spoke those vows to one another, we have made verbal commitments to once another, but holy Jesus, Mother of Mary and Moses.  We had no idea what we were going to be hit with.  But, our commitment has been strong and unwavering.

I saw we, and this is intentional. I have bi polar and anxiety, etc…, but everything that I go through, so does my spouse and my family.  Mental illness doesn’t discriminate, it hates and attacks equally.

When I am crying and laying in bed, this affects my family.  Their hearts are hurting because they don’t know what to do to help me.  They feel sadness and helplessness.  They don’t understand why I am depressed and I think the thing that is the hardest thing, is that they can’t do anything to fix it or help me get better.

Jump to when I am manic and I am dashing through the house with a wash rag wiping down everything that doesn’t move because of all the perceivable germs.  Then the mania goes to irritability and I scream about messy rooms.  In reality, her room looks identical to my room (clothese everywhere), yet, I pick, and pick and pick.

It’s exhausting.  for me, and the anxiety that runs loops in my head, day in and day out; the ups of the mania and the downs of the depression.  And for my family, as I often wonder how many days they wake up wondering what Michelle they are going to encounter that day.

But, I am stubborn, and this is my super power.  I will not give up.  Not in a house, or with a mouse, or in a blue shoe.  I will keep on keeping on.  Not only for me, but for him and for them.  I have been knocked down.  And I get up.  Sometimes, I really, really struggle to get back up and it takes everything in me to get back up, but I always, always do.

In the last ten years I have gone on so very many adventures.  I have had the best years of my life.  I met a man that transformed my life.  Children entered my life that provided me the title of Step Mom.  I have also gone through the hardest, most challenging, heart wrenching, eye gouging, events in my 34 years, but you know what?  I am still here, I am still kicking, and I plan to keep going for another 10.

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