Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, hiking, recovery, Uncategorized

Bella’s Babbles: Monday Edition 07/15/2019


Friday slid into Saturday that jumped into Sunday which I slept through waking up far too early into Monday.  Have you ever had days like those, where one melted into the other?  It was a great weekend, but here it is nearly halfway through Monday and I am still fighting off the sleep monsters.

It was a busy Friday, and an adventurous Saturday, a somewhat lazy Sunday and before I knew it Monday morning was here and I was like what the hello, I am not ready for this, can I get a mulligan on Sunday, pppplease?


Shopping in a new Section

“I am sorry ma’am we don’t carry what you want in your “new” size”

What?  Excuse me?  What do you mean I can’t have what I want?  Do you not know who I am?  I always get what I want.  I am who I am, and therefore I always get what I want when I want it and that is just the way that it is.

These were the thoughts that went through my head when I was in the “Secret” store where things are expensive and pink and I was back, yet again, because I had gained weight and “things” were no longer fitting.

They have what I want.  In prices I don’t like to pay, but when I pay the price, it is for items that are high quality, that are good quality fabric, in the style that I like and don’t stab me and are comfortable to wear every day, and they last when they accidentally go through the wash every once and a blue moon because I forget that they are delicates and need to be washed in the sink.

However, never, have I been told, that I was not able to have what I wanted, in my size, because I was always a size that fell within a more petite range and yeah, no was never part of the vocabulary.  Never have items had to be special ordered.  And never did I have to settle for the ugly colors, nor did I have to spend 20 minutes DIGGING to find my size.  This was an eye-opening experience.  And I believe that we will be discussing it in therapy, and it will be part of my motivation to get over my germ phobia at the gym, because yeah, I don’t like being told no.


Climbing Up Hill

Saturday mid-morning I found myself in a comparable situation when I went up north in the forest town to go hiking to celebrate my spouse’s birthday and I thought I was having a heart attack.  Hiking was HARD.  Every step I took felt like someone was holding onto my lungs, in a way that it felt that I had a diminished capacity to breathe and I thought I was going to keel over.  When did hiking get so hard?  When did I get so out of shape?  What the hell?  It was in the 80’s so it was not THAT hot, there was moderate cloud cover and a slight breeze, so it was decent condition, but here I am feeling like I have cement in my boots.  I was thinking I may not make it back home alive.  We had a full day of activities planned, with the hike being the first part, and I may die right here on the trail, along the flowers and the rocks, not yet making it to the alpine trees, my baby kitties never getting a chance to really say goodbye to their mama.

So inside my head there was a lot of beating up going on.  A lot of why do the meds cause weight gain, why have I gained so much weight, why do I have such issues with germs, why is it so hard to lose weight, why do I lack motivation?  Yadda yadda yadda …

We ended up hiking I think nearly 4.5 miles roundtrip, which was decent.  We were at a much higher elevation than when we are home which is one of the reasons that I was having such an issue with my breathing, but I think that being out of shape is a component as well.


I have 184 days until my next birthday and it’s a big one.  There are some goals that I plan to achieve within the next 5 months and will write more about that later, but losing weight, getting in shape, and getting to a better place mentally, are all included.

Will write soon… XOXO Bella~

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