At the start of every year, there is a tradition to have New Year’s Resolutions. Basically goals for the new year that just started. This is a great idea, but I have never really been on board with the whole idea because I have seen far too many people come February, fall off the wagon and break a collar bone as result of their inability to stick to their outrageous lofty goals.
So, I start the new year slow, and I hope for the best, but my goal is to make it through the month. For some reason, I don’t always do the best at the beginning of the year. I struggle during the holidays and during the month of my birth (January). So making it through November, December and January is a feat. Setting anything else in place other than just making it through those months would be insane for me. The next few months I recover from the holidays and I prepare for May, as that is another really hard month for me. Not sure why, but every year May royally kicks my ass. This year it did it twice as hard as it has in the past and twice, I thought I was going to have to take a medical vacation and that was hard to bear.
But now it is July, and I am more settled. And I have this fire burning in me, which I am pretty sure is NOT mania, and I am using it to motivate me to start making some goals. See, in five months and a day (184 days to be exact, or at this point 183.5 days) I turn 35 and that’s a hard number for me. There were quite a few things that I thought I’d have under my belt by this point and I am just not seeing those things happening. So, I am going to make some goals (that ARE within my control and that ARE attainable) and I am going to work towards them.
For once in my life, I am not going to set a goal that includes losing a certain amount of weight. Because, I have learned that is nearly impossible with the meds that I am on and with being in menopause, I have literally the world and all its energy working against me. What I CAN do, is set a goal to go to the gym 2-3 times a week. IF I lose weight that will be superb, but, I will not feel like a loser if I don’t because that was not what the goal was, the goal was to simply go to the gym (see, I am learning in this ripe ole age of 34.5 of how to play the system and not feel like such a fruit loop suck up apple pie turn over, that’s me trying not to curse…)
Another big goal is to achieve AND to maintain stability. Did you know that one’s inability to achieve stability really wears on you? Like, mentally, physically and emotionally? Bipolar speaking, the roller coaster needs repair and we need to shut this sucker down and take it out of commission for a few weeks so they can perform a thorough preventive maintenance. And then on the hormone side of things, I am pretty tired of feeling like a dried sponge from head to toe. The waking up in the morning wondering what I am going to feel like, going to sleep, wondering if I am going to sleep or wake up at 3 AM in a puddle of sweat, really isn’t much of a life to have.
So, overall, the goal is more normalcy. Normalcy in the terms of balanced routine. Balance in mood as well as stability. Being able to touch a pen and not thinking that I am going to contract some deadly monkey disease that is going to make my eyes melt out of my head and not turning down my street wondering if my house is on fire would be great. Being able to have a conversation and speak in complete sentences, to find the words in my head and say the RIGHT words at the RIGHT time and goodness gracias to feel smart again.
To put it out there, I have no clue how I am going to do any of this. I figure I will speak it into existence and then I will figure the rest of it out after that. Like I will plot my attack and then figure out why it wont work and then re-evaluate? Something has to happen though; a change is needed. I need to tweak a few things so my life can improve, and the quality of my life can increase and just get better.
As I sit here rereading, the whole going to the gym 2-3 times a week makes me laugh, like how am I going to fit that in. With work, and family and extracurricular activities that I love to be part of, so that’s going to be more like 1-2 times a week, realistically.
And I know that I will have ups and downs, that is the nature of bipolar, and I will deal with that as it comes along. I am reading and I am laughing because I am realizing how stubborn I sound. Like I am throwing all caution to the wind and running right into a tornado basically, not caring that it is an actual tornado, but no, I am going to make changes, I am going to do something different, I am going to be different and I will be better, come hell or high water… I bet you are wondering how my mama dealt with me as a child…. Carefully and with grace and patience.