Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Impatiently Waiting & Wishing

IMG_1171Is it rude to yawn when people are speaking?  I hope not, because I have a case of the yawns, like a super-duper bad case and these yawns are coming one after another and they are unstoppable.  I am crazy tired these days, like, let me take a snooze at the stop light, just for a few seconds to get some refreshment for my tired eyes.  Don’t get me wrong, I sleep at night, for most of the night and I am getting on average 8 hours of sleep, so there is no need for these sleep deprived shenanigans that are going on.  But alas, I am sitting here, yawning like a roaring lion, and wondering how I am going to stay awake throughout the rest of the day.

My motivation to make it through the day each day, is to make it home in time to grab some couch time before the rest of my family gets home.  How embarrassing is that?  Sneaking home to grab some zzzz’s.  What has my life turned into?  I am aware that this is most likely just temporary, but still, it feels like it is taking over my life, and all I can think about all day is sleeping.  I wake up tired, I exist during the day tired, I go to bed tired, repeat.  Le sigh, have I turned into one of my cats?

The increase in the medication that helps to keep the OCD symptoms at bay is working (Thank you Lord, Moses and sweet 8-pound 6-ounce baby Jesus).  I have relief and I am able to live a freer life.  I am not being as tortured, and this, this is a true blessing.  But, this fatigue, is really starting to affect me.  I want my cake and I want to eat it too, and I am not sure that is a possibility, and that makes me sad and angry.  Sad because I love cake (in this case a metaphor for the relief that I am getting from the OCD symptoms) and angry because I want what I want when I want it and I am tired of not getting what I want and having to be patience and wait (and in this case it would be that I am not happy with having to wait through the side effects of the medications to go away).  I really don’t like waiting.

I have been through all of this before.  The having the symptoms, the doctors with their wise wisdom giving me a medication that works, the working through the side effects, and trying to co-exist and live my life while on said medication and waiting as the symptoms dissipate and the side effects come and go as they please.  The thing is that my patience comes and goes as well.  Depending on the side effect, depends on the amount of my patience.  Being tired all day means I have no patience.

I keep telling myself that it IS such a relief to not have such inner brain turmoil and strife, it is such a gift.  So, if I trip and fall to the ground I may stay there and take a nap, no big deal, I won’t be freaking out that I am on what could be a dirty floor, this IS success, right?

 

In time, all things will balance out.  It all takes time.  Time and patience.  We tweak this and we tweak that, and, in the end, we will have balance which will lead to harmony and happiness.  Five months.  Massive things are in the works and I have plans to be in a much better place in five months.  That is a short and a long time in the same breath.  One step at a time I will get there.  It will take a combination of many, many steps, some moving forward, some moving backward, but I will cha-cha my way towards the goals that I have set and I will, I tell you, I will, be in a more progressed state come January 16 2020, I feel it deep in my bones.

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