Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, recovery, Uncategorized

What’s holding you back?

IMG_1049I received an email today from a long-time acquaintance where I have had a long on again off again tumultuous relationship.  I want to be with them, and they act like they want me, and we last for a few semesters and then things get ugly, and forms get signed and doctors get involved and I need to take a break.  I say the ugly words, “It’s not you, it’s me!” and you know what, I really believe it is, I do, I do, but deep down inside, I think they have a little bit to do with it, but totally it IS more me, but just a little bit them.

It’s a hard relationship to keep up.  They are demanding and quite expensive.  And good lord the time commitment!  Plus the mental abuse and the way it triggers past trauma I have suffered; it just sends me spiraling.

I thought I would be in a different place by now.  I thought I would be in a more of a committed relationship or even have that certificate that has their name on it and my name on it and you know the date when we were there together, but no, its been like 15 years of this on again off again commitment and no signed documents.  Further making me think that I did something wrong.  And no, I am not talking about marriage people, I am talking about my diploma for my bachelor’s degree.  I have five classes left (I think, maybe four) so very close, yet still so far away.

This journey I have been on with getting my degree has been so incredibly challenging and likes to pop up and punch me in my gut on days when I really don’t need it, like, well, today.

So, when I get the email about what’s holding me back, all sorts of feelings rushed to me and I instantly hit the delete button.  And I said a few choice words, colorful, sailor inspired words, words that a lady uses, yes, because I AM a lady, one with a full vocabulary, and a lady that you shall never put on speakerphone because you never, never know what may fall  out of my mouth.


It’s funny as well, to get an email titled, “what’s holding you back” this afternoon, as this morning, I was carrying in a huge container of water into my office, while hoisting my computer bag aka my mobile filing cabinet, and small child carrying apparatus, and wearing high heel boots and sunglasses, thinking about what in life is weighing me down.

So twice in one day I am hit with things that include limitations and restraints.  So what does this mean????? Why am I being reminded and surrounded by imagery of these kind of things?  Why have I been thinking about such things all day?  Who out there in this world needs to be encouraged today?  Who out there is also feeling like they are being held back or weighed down?  What am I supposed to say to help?

The biggest, most powerful thing that I know to be TRUTH is that it IS temporary.  It WILL by the grace of God, WILL get better.  These hard times will pass and the happy, frolicking unicorns through fields of sunflowers and bees buzzing that don’t sting people and cause allergic reactions, will come back.  It may feel like you are never ever going to get past this time, but I have been there, and I made it and if I made it, that means you will make it, I just know it.  I have this verse that I was raised on and it is Philippians 3:14 and for the life of me I can’t remember it for all the words because it is a wordy word verse, but it basically in a Bella kind of way says “Press on towards the things that are upwards, the things that are above us”.  It has ALWAYS brought me encouragement.  There is something about knowing that there is something out there, some higher being that is there cheering me on, in a cheerleading outfit with pom poms and maybe some fresh made banana bread with a slab of butter on it like a carrot on a stick and I am like running in a marathon (a what, a marathon!) and that is my motivation, that banana bread, but mainly the butter.

I have no clue if I am helping, but I do know that at times we get emails, letters (if we still do actually get letters), text messages, phone calls, and posts, that are poorly timed and make us feel like shirttails.  What’s holding me back, the maple syrup lickers, the ones sending poorly times communications! How dare you!… all that student debt for a degree I am not using because someone had me believe that I HAD to have a degree to be anything in this world, oh horse shirts.  And what’s weighing me down?  Bi Polar disorder and being in fudgesicle menopause is weighing me down, like literally I was on the scale and I was like holy cow, is there a demon on my back because I swear “I” don’t weigh that much, how’d that happen (probably the butter to be honest)… back to subject… you got this!  I know you got this, you know you got this, the post office people know you got this, and so do the Fraggles (oh yeah!!)

Press on my people, press on… towards the higher, brighter, happier things, press on.

3 thoughts on “What’s holding you back?”

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