Life is starting to balance out. It is a blessing to wake up in the morning and to experience a calm and peace. I would have to say that it is magical.
However, in the back of my mind there are questions that are being whispered. Questions of how long will this last? Is this for real? Is this a dream? When will this all be taken away? Surely this will end, sooner rather than later, so I best not get too used to this, because good things never seem to last long.
And then I start to think, and then I want to tinker, and of course when you start to tinker, things are never off to a good start. Do I naturally intend to self-sabotage, no, not directly? But I do think that subconsciously, I may not know what its like to smoothly sail, and in that case, I go out of my way to make rough waters, because that is what I am used to.
And although I did NOT stop taking my medication, the urge to stop my meds was strong a few weeks ago. I was literally, not figuratively, but literally having trouble swallowing my pills. They are in no way horse size pills, but you would’ve thought that they were with the gagging and choking that was happening when I was taking my pea sized pills. I went as far as laying down in bed, to just “rest” saying I’d wake up when my spouse would come to bed and then I’d take my pills. I DID take my meds every night, but come on, I was just risking completely falling asleep and running the chance of not taking my meds at night, which was just plain stupid.
This happens, the non-compliance thing. It’s part of the cycle, or so I have been led to believe that it is more common than we often think. I recall being in treatment for Anorexia as a teen and going through being compliant and then going through being everything but compliant. I just get to this point where I just can’t take being compliant. I can’t take the rituals, the rhythm and the routine. The following the order and the being well behaved, I just need to misbehave and live on the edge. And this ladies and gents, is that inner child of mine lashing out.
It’s the identifying that it IS that inner child, addressing that that IS the issue and dealing with the core issue, and not allowing the lashing out, the misbehaving, the adolescence behavior to be acceptable or tolerated.
I do want to be well.
I want balance and harmony.
I aspire to live a life without chaos and turmoil.
However, I am learning how to do that, and it is far more challenging than I thought it ever would be. But, I typically do not allow challenges to scare me away, they may deter me in the beginning and delay my progress, but I always get started and I typically always succeed. And this, this battle with Bipolar, will be no different. I will comply, I will do what is needed, I will succeed and I will win.