There’s the old adage that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and for the life of me I am not sure if eating an apple a day ACTUALLY keeps a doctor away. I used to eat apples, but they never kept the doctor away, so I gave up because you know I am not a real big apple fan, so I said why the hell am I eating them??
I told my therapist a few weeks ago that I was finally tired of living in fear. And you know it was really scary to admit this because that meant that I would have to DO something about it, and this would be hard work. For me, if I say I want to make a change that means I have to do it, and that can be a challenge, and often times, it easier to sit on the pot and play on my phone and stare at my toes, than to actually get off the comfy pot for which I have been sitting, even though it is leaving marks on my bum and my feet are asleep.
But, so much of my life in the most recent window has been dictated by fears and I am beyond done with being controlled. So I said, enough is enough, and I put my foot down and I told myself, the first most important person in MY life, that we would be making a change. Then I told my therapist, then I told my family. Now, I am telling you.
Over the last few weeks, I have put things in motion. I have engaged in activities that have forced me to go outside of my cardboard racecar box. I have made myself do things that I don’t normally do, or I am flat out scared to do. Much of this started when my brother came over to my state for a very short visit. He wanted some gummy bears and we went to a food store that I was scared to go to because of rumors that I heard about its cleanliness. It was EVERYTHING that I thought it would be and I was grossed out, but to be honest I was so preoccupied with not peeing my pants from laughing at the way my brother was behaving that the trip was not so traumatic, it was simply hilarious.
It was this experience that made me realize that I could face my fears, and I WAS in control, it was all in my hands on how I would handle it. I could walk into a store in fear of all the gruesome things that I could think of, things that nightmares are made of, or I could walk in like a duck and waddle and be silly and just make the most of that moment. He showed me that there is joy in every moment that we have in life and that time is fleeting. He inspired me.
After he left, I made changes. I went to a homeless shelter and delivered hygiene kits that a group of people in the non-profit organization that I participate with created. I also went to a quick eats restaurant and I ate at the facility instead of taking the order to go and hiding back at my office, twice within a weeks’ time. Today I interacted with a police office (on very good terms) and realized that they are people just like me and you and there is no reason to be so ungodly afraid of them, they are actually really amazing and nice people.
Each day I am finding ways to push myself out of my comfort zone. Some days, in really big ways, other days, not so much. It’s a give and take, a way of feeling it out and sensing what I can handle on a given day.
But I am no longer living in such fear. I am living a life with more pride and trying to have more joy and happiness. The little time I spent with my brother showed me that a little bit of silliness can really make a day so much more enjoyable and provide so much more sunshine.
Apples may or may not keep doctors away. Walking like a duck through a store most definitely keeps people away, and makes sisters pee their pants through fits of laughter with tears running down their faces.