Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, recovery, Uncategorized

Cheeseburgers and Happiness

close up photo of burger
Photo by Valeria Boltneva on

Friday is upon us once again.  I am not sure if it came as a surprise this week, or if it was a long waited upon day.  This week has been a wonky one, it has been long and short in the same kind of a weird way.

Regardless, I am looking forward to the weekend, and being able to spend time with my family, and having some time to do a little bit of nothing while being productive in the same kind of a way (I guess exactly the same way I think I may have described my week oddly enough).

I have been thinking all week about what I wanted to write about and I have a few ideas, they are in no way connected to each other, so this will be a disconnected, babbly, discombobulated, babble (total props if you can say that four times fast).



I have been abstaining from eating red meat for several months in an attempt to reduce the artificial hormones from my body while we work to get my hormones balanced.  It has been relatively easy, up until recently.

Not sure what happened, but the Cheeseburgular must have visited me in my sleep and planted a cheeseburger demon in my brain because I have been craving cheeseburgers like there is no tomorrow.  And it hasn’t been limited to cheeseburgers, I have been dreaming about sweet a sour meatballs, meatloaf and bacon wrapped filet mignon.  Intense is the only way I know to begin describing this torture.

Friday night we were going out for a night out (grown up style) to see some live music and maybe some butt wiggling (aka dancing) and in attempts to be cheap, we stopped by a local burger place and I caved.  I ordered a protein style cheeseburger and an order of fries.  To say that this meal was heavenly, delicious, mouth watering and amazing, yeah could not begin to scratch the surface.  But then again, I inhaled the food so quickly, I am not sure I even tasted what I ate.  My eating etiquette that night was that of a vampire that was just turned and was partaking in their first meal… it was messy, all over their faces, and simply delicious.

After this whole ordeal, I am back to eating my fish or just veggies and beans.  A little bit of chicken when I can’t fish it out of what I prepared for the family, but I am thinking I am going to stay away from beef as much as I can.  Got to try and keep that vampire that lives deep inside of me deep down in its casket, because hell, it was quite scary when that thing was let loose.


The Fragility of Happiness

If there was a shape that was assigned to emotions, I would say it would be a pyramid shape.  At the bottom would be sadness, despair and depression, and at the top, happiness and contentment.  Can you visualize what I am throwing down?

Over the last month, and I believe as result of the change in hormone medication as well as a small tweak to psychiatric medication, plus the change to my diet, I have been able to achieve happiness and lightness in my life.  I have been living at the top of my pyramid.  It is a fantastic place to be.  The air is clear, and fresh and it is overall enlightening to be at the peak of the pyramid.

But I also found, that since it is the peak of the pyramid, that there is not really a lot of wiggle room up there.  Since the sides are slanted, the footing is hard to maintain and there tends to be this easy ability to slip.  I blame the structure of the shape, the pyramid.  Had the shape been a square, we would have a flat area to rest our feet, even sit down, or lay down, but this is not the case with a pyramid.

I found that I need to keep readjusting myself to ensure that I am in a good spot.  That I am where I want to be, that I comfortable.  Basically, sometimes I am finding that it is hard to stay happy.  I have to put in work, I have to stay attentive, I have to be focused, I have to be aware of what’s going on around me, I have to not only pay attention to what is ahead of me but also what’s beneath me.

It’s easy to slip and fall down the slope of the pyramid and land at the base, the sadness, despair and depression.  It’s hard to stay at the top, to maintain happiness, glee, contentment and peace.


I am in a place where I am learning to appreciate where I am, whether it is dreaming about processed red meat, or focusing on how to maintain my happiness (which I have found crafting to be a big part of that process for me).  Everything is a day at a time process, a live in the moment, take it as it is and embrace it for what it is as it is experience.

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