Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

In Two Week’s Time

timeExhaustion.

Weight gain.

Numerous mistakes and things simply forgotten.

Missed events and canceled plans.

 

These are all items that I have been dealing with today.  All related to the depression that has plagued my life this last month, hiding in the corners of my life, sneaking out when it felt like it could, tricking me into thinking I was fine, but all the while I wasn’t.

It’s been a challenging day.

I have had to fight the desire to hide under my covers.  You see, that is what I like to do when I feel like the sky is falling on this here chicken little.  When I am struggling, or feeling overwhelmed, I shriek, put my hands to my face and run, jump on my bed and hide under my weighted blanket like I am a 3.5-year-old.  When some time goes by, I peek my eyes out from under the blanket to see if the coast is clear, see if the ground is still molten lava and if it is safe for me to re-emerge.

This morning I sat at my breakfast table, with a cup of hot coffee working an accounting project as I was still waking up from a decent and restful night’s sleep.  I had overlooked a few items in week’s past and they needed to be taken care first thing this morning.  They should have been taken care of last week, but, well, you know, last week was rough.  The days last week blurred together.  There was a mental health day, and then a weekend of sleeping.  Regardless, this morning I was running into one item after another that was not handled the way I usually do and the desire to run and hide was strong.  But I kept my bum planted in my chair and I worked.  I dealt and challenged the negative, mean thoughts that ran rampant through my head, and I powered through.

When I made it to my office, and the more time sensitive tasks were completed, I got right down to business.  I worked hard to stay on task, to make a list, and work through marking items off, but staying on point and topic, which can be very hard to do when a Michelle is overwhelmed.  The fatigue made all things I was attempting quite challenging, so I ensured I incorporated movement into my morning to help keep the blood flowing.

Regardless of the hot temperatures in this here desert where I reside, I chose to walk to a local restaurant to get a bite to eat for lunch.  It was warm, but there was a breeze and the walk was not long and it was actually kind of refreshing.  I kept reminding myself that the walk was good for my mind and my body, that I was doing a decent job caring for myself and I should be proud.

I see my doctor late tomorrow afternoon and I am hoping that she decides to bring her magic wand to work with her and can magically make the depression and related fatigue disappear with a flick of her wrist and the reciting of bibidy bobidy boo… although I know this is just foolish thinking, a girl can dream for a moment or two.  I have faith that within two weeks, the light and sparkle will be back in my eyes and life will be restored back to what I know it can be.  And this is what gives me hope.

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