I have attempted to write all day.
I started and stopped. Erased and retyped. Started over and added to.
It is just not coming out of my brain and onto paper for me today.
It is Friday.
It is the last Friday, the end of a long month, a day where the exhaustion is winning.
I am at a point where my patience is wearing thin. I typically have a tremendous amount of perseverance, but today, today, I am running dry.
I have been watching the clock, anxiously awaiting my 3:30 PM doctor appointment with my Psychiatrist. Absolutely longing to obtain her wisdom and an action plan of what we are going to do to get me relief.
I am beyond exhausted from the irritability, the agitation, the crying, the sadness.
I don’t want to spend another moment feeling like I am unloved and out of place.
I want to zoom back to the place of rainbows, pots of gold, sunshine and frolicking unicorns.
At this point it really doesn’t matter to me if it is depression or a Bipolar mixed episode. I need the negative thinking, the racing thoughts, the interrupted sleep to all stop. I need the spots that I keep seeing out of the sides of my eyes to go away and my vision to be restored to normal. I want my strength and endurance to return. I aim to have a genuine smile return to my face. I no longer want to fake it until I make it. I don’t want to just push myself to make it through the day, only to collapse upon arriving home and wait, wait, wait for the clock to strike 9 and this Cinderella to head to bed.
I have hope, an immense amount of hope, and faith, that I will have all of this and more. That in a week or two’s time, that my life and its happiness and contentment will be restored. I just need to persevere a bit longer, go that extra quarter mile, push myself a bit farther. There will not be giving up or giving in, there will not be, as there has never been, and there will never be.
I will press on towards the goals that are heavenward.