Where I live, we have storms called Monsoons. There are mainly dust storms, but sometimes are accompanied with rain, and massive wind. What makes them unique is the fact that it can be bright and sunny in one part of the sky, pitch dark in another place, torrential down pour of rain in one area and complete peace in another.
Sunday, we had one of these storms and I had a few work-related errands that I had to run, and I was taking in the sights that were surrounding me. I drive a larger SUV and it was being moved around the road from the massive winds, my windshield wipers were moving about wiping the rain from my wipers and I was in awe of the contrast of the light and the dark of the sky.
I was thinking about the latest occurrence of a Bipolar mixed episode in my life. The presence of depression and mania, quite close together, if not happening at nearly the same time, co-existing, the light and the dark, the calm and the violent, much like the weather that I was driving in, in that very moment. I had to keep reminding myself that I was indeed driving and to not get totally lost in my head, but it was quite the visual for what I was experiencing within my body.
It has been challenging this last month. A few changes to two medications are what we think led to the upheaval of the apple cart aka my mood and stability. We are working together as a team to try and pick up the pieces and get back on track.
Each time I go through an episode I learn a lesson. This last lesson, I learned a few things. First, we change one thing at a time. We ended up changing something with my hormones and my psychiatric medication and this was too much for my body to handle. Next time, it would be best to change one, wait a month and then change another.
The other thing that I learned is that I most likely waited too long before asking for help. I waited the month between doctor visits with both doctors until fessing up and stating that I was having problems. I allowed myself to be in denial that I was struggling for weeks before stating that there was a problem and asking for help. The reality was two weeks in, I started to notice a change for the worse, and at that time I should have raised my hand and asked for help.
Currently, I am still struggling. I am extremely fatigued and lacking drive. I am trying very hard to push myself, to be present and complete what is needed to be completed both at home and at work. My reward for completing my tasks is to crawl into bed and allow the world to crash around me while I escape from it all.
I am scheduled to meet with my doctor this week. I will request for more help. I want for things to go back to how they were several weeks ago. A month or so ago there was a gentle breeze, there was sun, a few clouds, but a big beautiful blue sky. It was warm, but I could see the positive in everything, I could focus, I was motivated, and I had contentment. Life was swell before the monsoons moved in and brought their unbalanced and unpredictable weather to my world.