There are many times that I have much to say but don’t end up writing.
I stop myself from typing because what I have to say is not uplifting and edifying and I fear that I will not be a positive influence on others and therefore what I want to write should not be published.
I have it in my mind that whatever I write must be positive, uplifting, encouraging and inspiring. And when I am unable to be such things, I stay quiet, I write nothing, or I write but I do not publish.
No one told me that these were the rules.
These guidelines were never posted and I never signed anything that said I would follow something so strict and absurd. They instead were what I came up with in my head and chose to hold myself to, I guess in a way of punishing myself (I am making a weird questioning face right now that you cannot see because I am not sitting with you in person, but I wish you could see it because it adds so much more depth to my writing).
So, today, I am breaking the rules that I made. I am typing what I feel that I need to type with no rules attached. It will not be a free frall, because that is just not the way I roll, but it may be a bit more transparent than my normal transparency. You have officially been warned.
And yet, several hours later, really a day or more later… several starts, stops, words and character counts typed later, and a lot of deleting, we just have the opening down on paper…
I have so much to say, and much is coming out, but its jumbled and jambled. It’s like a Dr Seuss book. I WOULD indeed like to write with fox in a box while a bird with a word watches…
I am not certain why I can’t unleash totally, let what is locked up deep inside of me flow like the rivers, rather than be stagnant like a dried up canal… but it is just not happening, and I have to respect the fact that my body, soul and mind are not willing to share, at this point and time.
However, I have a few things that I would like to share:
I don’t always feel strong. I feel weak a lot of the time. But I am stubborn and it’s actually my stubbornness, oh and my pride, that gets me through the hard, long, trying days.
I am angry.
I feel torn about the anger though. Because I feel so incredibly blessed, so why should I feel mad. I have more in my life than I think I would have ever thought I would have, but then there’s this whole Bipolar Disorder, and that is the thing that is the kindling to my fire. Having gone through a “rough time” it is hard to focus on times that were “good” and to see past these struggles. Hence the frustration that I feel, although these feelings are specifically pin pointed towards the disorder, and no one else.
I am tired.
I am ready for the time to come where I am balanced. I am ready for smooth streams and babbling brooks. I am weary and tired after fighting rapids for so long. My brain is fatigued as is my body and my spirit.
As the weekend approaches, I am nearing a day long meditation retreat that I am looking forward to attending. I am hoping to get back in touch with my inner voice and obtaining calm and peace in my soul. I hope that the depression will stay away and I will have the energy to participate. But most of all enjoy the process.
May your days be blessed and filled with sunshine and warmth.