Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, recovery, Uncategorized

Patience

girl wearing white clothes walking on pavement road
Photo by Juan Pablo Arenas on Pexels.com

When I was 18 months old, I was playing in the yard with my older brother as my mom stood at the window watching us as she washed a few dishes.  Not long into being in the yard, my brother came inside and approached my mother.  He looked up at her while she was at the sink and said, “We lost Michelle!”  Puzzled, my mother stated that we had not lost Michelle, that she was playing in the yard, just as he had been.  Yet, my brother was insistent that I had been lost, nowhere to be found.

The yard was searched, and I was sure as hell, not in the yard.  Thinking through the previous conversations that took place, it was realized that it was stated that after the dishes were done, we would go to grandmas.  (And boy did I love going to see my grandparents!) But I had to wait.

And that whole waiting part, yeah that did not work for my schedule.  It seems that I opened the gate, closed the gate and started walking.  I walked up the street, over to the next street, crossed an alley and was beginning to cross a major road when the girl who happened to be our babysitter that lived behind us caught me and saved me from my self.  When asked what I was doing, my response was, “going to grandmas”.

I have never been a person that had much patience.  I want what I want when I want it.  From a young age, to the age that I am now (a bit older than 18 months), the whole waiting game has never been my favorite, or my jive, or my cup of tea, coffee or wine.  It just doesn’t work for me, makes me irritable and agitated.

I am at a place right now in my life where I am in a real place of waiting.  I am seeking additional treatment and I have to wait.  I need to wait to get the paperwork processed, and to get it approved.  I need to wait for me and my brain to stabilize.  A month ago I was not sick enough and now at this point I am not stable enough.  If you wait a week, who knows what mood I’ll be in…

I am learning that there are gifts in waiting.  I am seeing things differently.  I am noticing that I am stronger than I thought I was, more resilient, strong, persistent, dedicated, you know I am woman hear me roar.  But I also found that I am really, really, tired.  I keep pushing and pushing, trudging through the mucky muck, but goodness bee, I am exhausted.  It feels like if it is not one thing it is another, and Nancy’s coffee cake I am not sure how much more I can take.  But, every time I say that, something else comes up and I have the strength to persevere, not sure where it comes from, but it appears, and I press on and then I am that much stronger.

And then, you get the call, the call that all is approved.  There is a sense of relieve, and disbelief that overcomes your whole body.  Also fear, fear that it will be taken away.  Followed by a brain that starts to go into nesting mode and thinking about all that needs to be done before you go and how just not sleeping until you leave is a plausible, although unrealistic, possibility.

Slow and steady won the race for the tortoise and the hare.  I more identify as a hare, so it is hard living in a world of tortoises, but they win, and I want to win, therefore I need to be more turtle like.

I sit here today, and I am taking a deep breath in and breathing it out.  I am telling myself that I am well, and I will only accept wellness into my body and my mind.  I will have peace and calm within me, that is the only thing that I will embody, nothing else will be permitted to cross into my person.

May you have peace.  May you have wellness.  May you have the peace that passes all understanding.

4 thoughts on “Patience”

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