In less than two weeks I am going on an adventure. There could be lions, tigers, or bears (oh my!~) It was suggested that I pack light and there was a whole list of what to bring, and an even longer list of what not to bring, and I am stressing over the whole packing situation, because, well that’s what I do. I am not so good when it comes to packing. To have to limit myself to specific items for an extended period of time is like putting me on one of those stretcher machines they used back in the old day to dismember people. At least that is what it feels like to me.
I love clothes. I love to dress a little fancy, to accessorize with jewelry and to wear nice shoes and more eclectic clothes so to be going to a place where this is not necessarily appropriate, I feel like I am being suffocated. How will I be able to show my personality, I say as I throw myself down on my bed with gust and expression of disbelief and sadness. I can’t wear boring clothes (with emphasis on the O) it’s just not my thing. Oh heaven’s bee this is just impossible, I can’t go.
The reality is that I AM going, whether I pack my bag or my spouse packs it and I will have more joy in the process if I just suck it up and do it myself, because although I love him to pieces, he will probably not pack my favorites and then I will be mad and realistically, I will only have myself to blame.
Next obstacle is getting ready for the adventure because it is a 45-day long adventure and that ladies and gents is a long time to be on an adventure. I have been handling it pretty well (and in that I mean that I am staying strong, until I am weak and breaking down in tears, sobbing my eyes out and letting my fears get the best of me). So, that’s my definition of pretty well. I have been so busy with work and life that I have not allowed myself a lot of time to let what’s going on really sink in. I am staying busy and just plugging along and getting things done and checking things off the to do list as if nothing huge and giant is coming up down the road. One may say I am acting like I am in denial or acting in some sort of avoidance. But it’s my coping mechanism and has been for many, many years. Staying busy, keep the mind engaged and then it stays out of the mucky muck mud and then we do not have mental breakdowns.
Last night I took part in a sleep study. I stayed away from home in a sleep lab for the study and it was hard. I felt utterly alone, even though there were plenty of staff who were quite attentive to my every need. I was missing my people and my pets. I felt like this was a trial run to my big adventure and I did ok. I did not cry, but I also had all my electronics and was in contact with my humans. When I go on my adventure, for the first three days, I will have no contact with my humans, and I think this will be most challenging and will really cause me to use all my strength to get through this trial. Moving past the three days, there will be a landline phone that can be used, so no texting, no computers, no electronics, no music. I will be going through total withdrawal and this is going to hit me hard.
I chose to look at this trip away as an adventure because it’s the power of the mind. If I state that it’s an adventure, it changes the mindset to a positive one, it implies that there may be challenges, but that they will be exciting, breathtaking, exhilarating, memorable. If I were to say in a solemn tone that I was going in for a stint in treatment, that to me, has a negative connotation to it, and I am trying to surround this opportunity with as much positiveness as possible.
This is a big adventure for me. I am scared, but that is overshadowed by the fact that I am looking forward to this opportunity and the blessings that I am hoping will come. I have the support of my support network and so much positive energy, there may be a solar flare.
In a few weeks, I will sign off for 45 days. Ill be writing, no question about it, but will not be able to post until around Christmas. I pray that while I am away my soul is healed, along with my mind and my body.