The days are passing quickly. I suspect that it is due to being so busy. However, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water so to speak, only getting done the bare minimum and my head is swimming with what still needs to be done before I leave for my big adventure.
It seems like every few days I venture to the store to pick up a few things that I “need” for the trip and I am currently storing all items in a small, round, white laundry basket that I plan to bring with me so I have something to do my laundry (good thinking there, because how else would I actually do my laundry if I did not have a laundry basket??) I feel like I am nesting a little. I am thinking of what I may need over a 45-day period and it is nerve wracking. I just started reminding myself yesterday that I have a spouse and he WILL be visiting me and he is willing to bring me items, so I should not worry so much about bringing everything that I need because I have a resource who can bring me items should I forget them. But then, I was wondering if this is my way of attempting to be in control of a situation that is not within my control. And if it is also a way for me to act out on my symptoms (shopping addiction) and justify it, with a pretty good justification. In addition, I am spending time engaging in a mind numbing activity.
This weekend I ran errands and I felt no satisfaction from the shopping that I partook in. It was not much, not like a “spree”, but more like a shopping trip for things that I did in deed “need” but I was numb. This tells me that I am, in some ways, starting to shut down.
In other ways I am more heightened in my feelings. When sitting at the dining room table with my family, I will well up with tears knowing that I will go without these family dinners for an extended period of time. I know that my family will be fine, I have full faith in their ability to exist while I am away, but I will miss them, I will miss being with them, and I will miss being part of my family.
One thing that I have found is that I am holding onto things with more length, knowing that I have a short amount of time left (less than two weeks) and I am no longer taking things for granted. I am holding on to each hug, each conversation. I am staring like a weirdo because I know that I need to keep those memories glued in my mind.
I am feeling the depression starting to sink in. The sadness, the heaviness, the despair. Yet, there is so much to do that I have not time for depression, or any dip in my mood. I need a up kick in my mood to be truly honest, I need a little bit of an upswing so I can have all the energy needed to get all this stuff done. I feel like I need to be the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, but I feel like I am moving from Piglet into Eeyore and this, well, this is just not a good thing.
I am going to take a break and take a deep breath and let all the buzzing and rushing and racing come to a stop. I am going to be still and calm in my space and in my mind. I am going to embrace what I have in this moment and the gifts that have been given to me. I am going to be kind to myself and my spirit. All will be well. This will be a wonderful experience. I will be safe. I will have what I need to function in the manner that I need to function. I will not be in need of things, I will not be in a place of wanting. My needs will be fulfilled. I will have peace in my body and my soul.
This is a big adventure. There will probably be some scary cliffs, but I bet there is going to be some breath taking views.