I have two nights remaining, or two sleeps, that’s the way we used to count down the days until Christmas, by the number of sleeps. I have two sleeps until I leave for treatment.
My to do list is starting to get shorter. The pile of things to pack is getting taller. The exhaustion is increasing each day. The head cold is progressing and has resulted in an absolutely horrid, knife in the head feeling kind of a headache that has been throbbing on the left side of my head all day. The withdrawal symptoms from the one medication I was taking are slowly subsiding (slowly being the operative word). The ability to do basic things, send a text message with accurate spelling, for example, are becoming challenging. The driving anxiety has returned from a hiatus that started in May. I am not welcoming it’s return, but I know it is due to being overall heightened and my body basically throwing a hissy fit.
However, as I was discussing with my brother today, I am persevering. There is this candle or fire lit deep within me that I swear can not be extinguished. I am the most tired I have been (without being depressed) yet I am up before 6 AM, getting going and doing what needs to be done. Should work need to be done after hours, I take care of it. I am plugging along, some days slowly, and at a toddler’s pace, but I am making movement in a forward direction.
It hit me today, and brought tears to my eyes, how much I am going to miss my people while I am gone. To see their faces, to hug them, to text them when I am thinking of them, just to spend time with them. But, I know that I need to let go to heal. I need to relinquish my reigns so I can work on my deep and inner issues so I can be well from the inside out and allow for a transformation.
In all honesty I do not know what to expect and should I put expectations on an outcome I set myself up for failure. My goal is to adhere to the program and to be compliant. And for those that truly know me this will be a challenge. But, I have committed to myself that this is what I will do. Come hell or high water, I will do what is asked of me and I will do it with all of me.
Shall, I not have the chance to write before departing, I thank you for your support, kind words and positive energy as I embark on my big adventure. Your support means the world, moon and stars to me!~