When I was young, I used to watch VHS tapes of a show called Veggie Tales. In the series, computer generated vegetables would go on “adventures” and learn about Bible principles, as well as ways to live the most optimum life. In one episode, there was a point where Larry the Cucumber said to Bob the Tomato, “I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob!” And today, I am reflecting on my day yesterday, where I can say the same, I laughed, I cried, and I was moved.
Yesterday marked me being home from treatment for a week. The week flew by faster than a bullet train. Now looking back, days blurred together, and I am unable to recollect what happened on each singular day. I am only able to state what happened during the last week, not what day it actually occurred on.
It was a hit the ground running return to the outside world. And so much good happened. But with any return there were also some down points, as what goes up must come down. Nothing huge, but there were tears. I am not sure what I was expecting upon my return, or how it would transpire, but I knew that it was not going to be anything close to my mother’s homemade cheesecake (smooth with just enough sweetness to make a mouth water).
I had a fit or two due to feeling overwhelmed and scared. The fear of not succeeding got the best of me and I allowed those negative thoughts to cause me to be unbalanced in my steadfastness. I was able to harness what I had learned while away (eventually) and circle back around and clarify what I had meant to say in previous conversations. I was able to realize that the surface issue was not the problem, but the source of the problem was the feeling of being overwhelmed, being scared and feeling fear.
Yesterday was an enjoyable day of meeting with friends and catching up. But, I cried, and cried and was so very thankful for waterproof mascara. I was not sad nor angry, but just unable to keep myself from tearing up and then when I could no longer handle it, allowing the tears to stream down my face. The crying irritated me until I was reminded by two people whom I cherish, that everyone has days where they cry, and it is not a sign of anything but being human.
In addition to crying, I also spent time laughing so hard that tears ran down my cheeks, and I thought I was going to pee my pants. Who knew that a game of Scattegories could elicit such strong emotions from a person? But, let me tell you, it did for me, and it made my night. I don’t recall the last time that I genuinely laughed and laughed so hard that I had tears flowing down my face. It was pure gloriousness and thinking about it now makes me want to cry, cry happy tears.
I had spent so much time, so many weeks and months and probably years, so bottled up, so stressed out, so caught up in diagnosis’ that I was not allowing myself to let my guard down. I was not giving myself the opportunity to have fun. Last night, after some amazing pizza, and playing that game of Scattegories, just the two of us, it became clear that changes have happened.
I am a stickler of seeing the fruits of my labor and being able to say, “here is the proof in the pudding that XYZ happened.” And, that is not always possible. At certain times, change happens, and we are not able to materialize said changes. But now, I can see that change can happen even if we don’t have something in our hands to show that it took place.
I have such joy in my heart today because I know that changes have happened. I have joy because I have a peace in my heart and soul that I have not had in maybe forever. As this year of 2019 ends, I will be ending it with the knowing that things changed, maybe it was in the last quarter, but still change is change.