I am stable. My mood has been even. I am neither high nor low, depressed nor manic. It is such a gift. It has enabled me to accomplish much over the last 6 or 7 weeks. I am thrilled to be in this place of stability.
However, life is not all hunky doory. I have been struggling with horrid anxiety. Thoughts are constantly present in my head. Racing this way and that way, making it impossible to keep things calm between my ears. It’s the catastrophic, irrational thoughts that are causing havoc for me.
A sampling of the thoughts include: Did I lock the door? Am I going to get into an accident? Are my animals at home alive? Did the kids make it home safe? Is my house on fire?
This has been going on for weeks. And it is increasingly getting worse. These catastrophic thoughts ruminate in my mind all day and into the night. I have tried techniques to process the thoughts and to try and suppress them, and it helps a smidgen but I am still, well, suffering.
An increase in medication and learning new techniques are providing hope and promise that I will receive relief. The agony that accompanies the anxiety is wearing me down and as result I have had more than one breakdown, tears flowing down my face, crying about how I feel like my mind is out of control, and I am it’s powerless servant.
With all that is going on, I do want to hide under my covers and try and escape from the world. But, I know that will not do a thing. What I need to do and what I am doing, is pressing on. Working to conquer the thoughts, keep moving forward, raising my hand when I need help and just making it happen.
I do not know how, but I have always had this flame, burning brightly inside of me for as long as I can remember. It keeps me going, it gives me hope. Although things can be shitty, there is something in me that keeps pressing on. This anxiety is the worst, but I know, deep down, that it will get better, I will get relief, there will be sunshine in my world.