Relief is a noun defined as a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.
Simply stated, I am feeling relief.
One may say, how is that possible in a time like now? With all that is going on, for heaven’s sake we are in the middle of a pandemic. How are you able to sit there and say that you are feeling relief. Are you high? Drunk? Off your rocker?
I totally get the reaction, makes sense. Plus those are all things that I’ve asked myself.
In November and December I went to sleep away camp, also known as treatment. I went to the facility for Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and Trauma. Treatment was intense, actually the hardest thing that I have ever completed. Many times I fought the desire to quit and go home. I had numerous panic attacks during my stay. The majority of therapy was in a group setting, where I was sharing my most intimate secrets with other people, in a room, where the chairs were in a circle.
In addition, there were changes to my medication. I came off medications, I think three different ones, or was it four? Not only was I going through intensive trauma work, bearing my soul in front of strangers, being away from my family, I was also going through withdrawal and dealing with new side effects, all the while worrying that I would rapid cycle, and what would happen if I did?
With all of this being said, I would say that the treatment was a success.
Going through the process of EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), assisted with diminishing the intensity of trauma that I have been experiencing. Sharing my secrets and being accepted helped to eliminate fears of rejection. Being away from my family showed me I could do things on my own and also helped me to appreciate them sooo much more.
There’s a lot of shit going down right now. I am scared. So much isn’t within my control. I like to know what to do, who to go to, how I should act and have a whole plan of action in place. Right now, all of that is being thrown out the window. It’s literally a new day each day with updated information, new numbers, more symptoms to look for, and additional guidelines to obey.
Had I not gone through treatment; I don’t think I would be in the place that I am today. I have anxiety, but for the most part it is not debilitating. My mood is stable, and I am currently on the longest stretch of stability ever.
I feel relief because I am in a decent, manageable place. I’d prefer that I had a bit less anxiety, far less stress and a better ability to fall asleep at night. But In all reality, beggars can’t be choosers.
There is a large amount of gratefulness in my heart for decisions that were made months prior. Timing is everything. I was gifted with treatment and that is a gift that keeps giving.