Relief

Relief is a noun defined as a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.

Simply stated, I am feeling relief.

One may say, how is that possible in a time like now?  With all that is going on, for heaven’s sake we are in the middle of a pandemic.  How are you able to sit there and say that you are feeling relief.  Are you high?  Drunk?  Off your rocker?

I totally get the reaction, makes sense.  Plus those are all things that I’ve asked myself.

In November and December I went to sleep away camp, also known as treatment.  I went to the facility for Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and Trauma.  Treatment was intense, actually the hardest thing that I have ever completed.  Many times I fought the desire to quit and go home.  I had numerous panic attacks during my stay.  The majority of therapy was in a group setting, where I was sharing my most intimate secrets with other people, in a room, where the chairs were in a circle.

In addition, there were changes to my medication.  I came off medications, I think three different ones, or was it four?  Not only was I going through intensive trauma work, bearing my soul in front of strangers, being away from my family, I was also going through withdrawal and dealing with new side effects, all the while worrying that I would rapid cycle, and what would happen if I did?

With all of this being said, I would say that the treatment was a success.

Going through the process of EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), assisted with diminishing the intensity of trauma that I have been experiencing. Sharing my secrets and being accepted helped to eliminate fears of rejection.  Being away from my family showed me I could do things on my own and also helped me to appreciate them sooo much more.

There’s a lot of shit going down right now.  I am scared.  So much isn’t within my control.  I like to know what to do, who to go to, how I should act and have a whole plan of action in place.  Right now, all of that is being thrown out the window.  It’s literally a new day each day with updated information, new numbers, more symptoms to look for, and additional guidelines to obey.

Had I not gone through treatment; I don’t think I would be in the place that I am today.  I have anxiety, but for the most part it is not debilitating.  My mood is stable, and I am currently on the longest stretch of stability ever.

I feel relief because I am in a decent, manageable place.  I’d prefer that I had a bit less anxiety, far less stress and a better ability to fall asleep at night.  But In all reality, beggars can’t be choosers.

There is a large amount of gratefulness in my heart for decisions that were made months prior.  Timing is everything.  I was gifted with treatment and that is a gift that keeps giving.