Rapid Cycling Bipolar I find to be peculiar.
One part of a day, I am so exhausted I feel like I have cement boots on and can hardly walk. Then other parts of the day I want to make 1,000 cloth face masks while making cupcakes.
The end of last year I was in treatment for two months, being released days before Christmas. I had the lofty idea that due to the treatment and medication changes, that I would be better, not cured, but better and stable, for like a year or more.
A month or two into being back home, anxiety medications were reintroduced because the anxiety returned like the wicked witch from the west trying to steal my little dog.
The pandemic hit in March, and the anxiety further increased but it was manageable due to the medications.
Welcome to the end of April, and I am like a bug squished on a windshield.
Insert embarrassment and shame. That idea that I would be fine and dandy, squashed.
Tears, so many tears. Some are due to fear, others are from the shame. Followed by the feelings of letting others down and being a burden. So much heaviness.
A melt down yesterday, has me feeling hungover today, accompanied by puffy eyes and a pounding headache. Just too many tears.
I am embarrassed that this is happening. I want to just be better and live a life that is not a roller coaster. I have numerous fears about what could come of this, and it is those fears the help me keep things together as best as I possibility can.
I may go up and down, stay in one place then excel into another. There are days when I can brave the world and others that I simply cannot.
As much as I want to take up occupancy in my adult blanket fort, that is just not an option. Leaving the fort at home, I must step outside, press on and face the world.
Sorry to hear that you are having such anxiety.
I will be thinking of you!
Take care and stay safe!
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Thank you so much. I am trying to look at this as a small set back, one that I will work through and come out stronger in the end.
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Been there. Will probably be back. Wish I had a cure, but I’d be rich if that were the case. I’ve just learned to try to time my work and other things to get done when I’m manic. Take care of yourself.
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Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.
I too try and time the work tasks around the symptom flares. Some days are easier than others, but I just keep trying, because I am worth it, worth the trying and self love.
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I tend to think of those flares as super powers. You need to time how to use them for good and not evil, because it’s sometimes a very thin line.
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I love that idea… super powers… i do have specific skill sets that flourish when I am heightened, like painting, cake making, sewing…but yes a thin line for sure.
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That’s how I feel every day but moving to the beach has really helped my depression.
Keep on keeping on.
You are an inspiration and I realize that I am and we are not alone.
Love and miss you
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Oh, I am so happy to hear that you are in a place that helps you with the management of your depression. I love you and miss you too. Thank you for supporting my writing.
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I felt this deeply. You’ve got this!
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