I wake and stumble out of bed. I feel dizzy and woozy. It is not helping that I have a little fur ball so excited that his mommy is awake that he is running circles around my legs.
I look in the mirror and oh my face! Puffy hooded eye lids, dark circles under my eyes. And there go the tears. It is like a facet these days, turning the tears on and off. I pull myself together (unbeknownst to me that this will be happening much today)
A cup of coffee starts to help bring me to life. But I am still unsteady on my feet. My head, oh gosh my head, a headache and then this other feeling that I cannot quite wrap words around.
I sit, check my phone, but make sure I do not operate that piece of heavy machinery in my present condition. No sending emails or messing around with my calendar. No texting because who knows what I would send and how many typos would be present. It is just time to sit.
I put extra effort into my appearance today. Immaculate makeup, a sophisticated dress and high heels. A good hair day does not begin to describe what is going on with my hair today.
And then, I go to see my spouse to bid my farewell and with one hug, all the tears start. The bottom lip sticks out, quivers and my perfectly makeuped face is now on his shirt.
I find it challenging to have a mental illness. Half the time I am pretty ok, and then when I slip it is just not good. Life gets heavy, and my body is so weak and tired. My brain short circuits and my mouth spreads fire like a dragon. It is as if something has taken over my body.
I cannot think full thoughts, I will have some fluidity, but then within a second my brain literally goes completely black and blank and I am at a total loss for words.
Even now, I am finding this post incredibly hard to write. There is typing and a lot of deleting. I stop often to try and gather my thoughts and search for the words that seem to be escaping me.
A song came on the radio today, by Carly Pearce, “It won’t always be like this”… did I mention tears? But there is truth right there in the song, it wont always be like this.
I wont always be in a place of instability. I won’t always have the side effects that I have, the peace and harmony that I was experiencing previously will return. Patience my dear grasshopper, patience.