Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, recovery, Uncategorized

Day 17: Part Two: Something’s Off

piled of blue books on human feet
Photo by Thought Catalog on

I have a super power… but it is kind of a secret, well I guess not now if I am going to tell you about it… ready, are you sure?  Do you think you can handle it?  It’s a biggie, don’t want you to lose your undies.

I have the power of knowing when something is “off” in my body.

One of the biggest examples from, I think 2012, when I was having some lady issues…the faucet just wasn’t turning off, I was getting annoyed and concerned.  I requested and requested to have my concern of continual bleeding addressed.  It WAS addressed and a D&C was performed.  Much to everyone’s surprise, there were rotten cells that were in the very, very beginning stages of uterine cancer.  Had it not been for my tenacity (aka whining child kind of stubbornness), we would not have found it until it was too late, especially because I was so young (mid 20’s).

I am not saying that I can see the future or anything (although that would be helpful at times), but I am VERY in tune with my body.

I preface this blog with this information because my body threw me for a loop most recently.  I left treatment a few days shy of Christmas 2019 after a facility required two month stay.  I was in a good place.  I still needed work (but I mean come on who doesn’t?) but I was finally be-bopping and life was good.

Most recently, I am sitting outside in my lawn chair, pink sunglasses on, flamingos keeping me company and a pina colada in my hand, then this thing called a, what do you call it, oh yeah a pandemic hits and now I am Dorothy and there’s a twister heading for my house, and a weird old lady is trying to steal my ugly dog.

I held down the fort for a month and then one morning, all dolled up (looking fab I have to admit) headed to work.  Bam! I could not get out of the car due to the inability to stop crying.  It was embrassing, humiliating, and a waste of an adobrable outfit and mascara.

Let me fill in just a few blanks.  After leaving treatment and entering back into society, things were not perfect. I did have to increase anxiety medication because, well the world is a hard place to be.  The anxiety increased as weeks went by, but it was being managed through medication and learning/practicing techniques introduced in therapy.

Was it a huge surprise that I had a break down?  Not to me, to everyone else, probably.  I have this way of being able to be a duck.  I look graceful as hell sitting there on the water, but under the water I am paddling as fast as can be and no one can see how much effort I am giving to look like I have my shit together.

Fast forward to today (I know you love the way that I jump around, keeps you on your toes).  I received blood work results for the hormone testing.  (A test that I requested because I was feeling so “off” that I know something was a muck).  Not much to my surprise, but a little surprise, my hormone levels are the same as before I went into treatment and was losing my mind (conincidence?).  The unbalanced hormones were leading to instability in mood then, and now?

Well it goes back to me knowing my body.  I am strong.  I am resilient.  I can handle a lot.  So why, was I melting down like that Westward witch mentioned earlier when water was dumped over her head?  People asked me, what triggered you?  My answer was the pandemic, but then part of me was like, but is it really?

Since having had the hysterectomy in 2014 (and simultaneously having a huge mental breakdown resulting in a Bipolar diagnosis) life has been a rollercoaster.  A big part of daily treatment is making sure that my hormone levels are in check.

With the recently identified increase, there will be some Sherlock Holmes detective work that will take place, figuring out the cause and hopefully permanent fix in place.

I am relieved to have a data point to work with.  Next week, I will meet with my Psychiatrist, Psychologist and Gynecologist.  I will advocate for myself and work to get this new piece of data added to the puzzle and work with all three to get a game plan of how I can be the main actress in “How Michelle got her groove back”.

4 thoughts on “Day 17: Part Two: Something’s Off”

    1. The starring role in an action packed thriller! I will stay tuned to the same boot Chanel at the same boot hour for updates!
      By the by, A was right all along!

      Liked by 2 people

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