Day 19: Liar

How often do you find yourself telling the truth?

And on the flip side, how often are you lying?

I was sitting here thinking, as it seems I do a lot of that these days, as I was in t his place of contemplation  I realized that I tell a lot of people that when asked how I am, I respond “I’m fine”.  So I lie.  A white lie, so they say, but a lie.  And it happens a lot.

When asked If I were to look at it through a different light, the truth would be, “my sky is falling and I don’t think that you can handle it”  I hide in this false world that I have created.  I put on the “I’m fine” face so much, I lose sight of what the truth actually is.  Am I really fine, how do I feel?

That’s the problem with lying, you lose sight of what the truth is.

It even trickles down from friends and family to doctors what I say and don’t say.  Am I sharing the raw truth with them or am I sugar coating it for the fear of what would happen if I was actually 100% honest?  This is not a black and white scenario, I share, trust me I share, but at times I am not as assertive or raw as I could be.

In both cases, the friend and family case and the doctor case, I am only hurting myself.  I am limiting myself from receiving support.  They MAY be able to handle my shit, they could be able to be there to support me, a shoulder to cry on, someone to get me a tissue, a tight hug to let me know that it will (eventually) be ok and that I will get out of this, but I have to give them a chance.

For the doctor side of things, well that one is simple, I am only going to get what I am giving.  If I am not being transparent than they won’t know the deep down and we will just continue to bandaid the issues instead of doing the hard, nasty, painful work.

I do not want to be a liar.  (For my pants may catch on fire?) I do not want to elude people.  I think what it boils down to is being scared, having so much fear in me that I am paralyzed. I plaster a smile on my face and hope to God no one can see through it.

It is way easier to say that I am ok than to say that my mind is racing so fast that I can hardly think straight let alone hold a conversation.  That I feel like I am going to vibe out of my skin.  Or running in circles in the yard seems like the most appropriate thing to do at a time like 930 PM.  That I am exhausted, but cant sleep.  Or that I am so low that getting out of bed seems like a chore.  The big one being that at any moment I feel like I am going to completely crumble into a heap of tears.

I have to start working on being more transparent, a healthy kind of transparency, but more than the opaque film that is in place right now.  I need to remind myself that I can only get help that is fitting to my needs should I honestly reach out and ask for it.  That I am doing considerable damage by putting up the “I’m fine” face.  No more “I’m fines”, time to stop being a liar and start to tell the truth.