How often do you find yourself telling the truth?
And on the flip side, how often are you lying?
I was sitting here thinking, as it seems I do a lot of that these days, as I was in t his place of contemplation I realized that I tell a lot of people that when asked how I am, I respond “I’m fine”. So I lie. A white lie, so they say, but a lie. And it happens a lot.
When asked If I were to look at it through a different light, the truth would be, “my sky is falling and I don’t think that you can handle it” I hide in this false world that I have created. I put on the “I’m fine” face so much, I lose sight of what the truth actually is. Am I really fine, how do I feel?
That’s the problem with lying, you lose sight of what the truth is.
It even trickles down from friends and family to doctors what I say and don’t say. Am I sharing the raw truth with them or am I sugar coating it for the fear of what would happen if I was actually 100% honest? This is not a black and white scenario, I share, trust me I share, but at times I am not as assertive or raw as I could be.
In both cases, the friend and family case and the doctor case, I am only hurting myself. I am limiting myself from receiving support. They MAY be able to handle my shit, they could be able to be there to support me, a shoulder to cry on, someone to get me a tissue, a tight hug to let me know that it will (eventually) be ok and that I will get out of this, but I have to give them a chance.
For the doctor side of things, well that one is simple, I am only going to get what I am giving. If I am not being transparent than they won’t know the deep down and we will just continue to bandaid the issues instead of doing the hard, nasty, painful work.
I do not want to be a liar. (For my pants may catch on fire?) I do not want to elude people. I think what it boils down to is being scared, having so much fear in me that I am paralyzed. I plaster a smile on my face and hope to God no one can see through it.
It is way easier to say that I am ok than to say that my mind is racing so fast that I can hardly think straight let alone hold a conversation. That I feel like I am going to vibe out of my skin. Or running in circles in the yard seems like the most appropriate thing to do at a time like 930 PM. That I am exhausted, but cant sleep. Or that I am so low that getting out of bed seems like a chore. The big one being that at any moment I feel like I am going to completely crumble into a heap of tears.
I have to start working on being more transparent, a healthy kind of transparency, but more than the opaque film that is in place right now. I need to remind myself that I can only get help that is fitting to my needs should I honestly reach out and ask for it. That I am doing considerable damage by putting up the “I’m fine” face. No more “I’m fines”, time to stop being a liar and start to tell the truth.