It is officially the third week since riding out this Bipolar rapid cycling episode.
The counting of days in the title comes from the days since I had the breakdown. It is hard to believe it has been 3 weeks already.
My doctors are working hard to help me, assist my body to heal, get back to a more normative state. Yet, my body is fighting back and ruthless. It has not mercy and is taking prisoners.
I often find myself thinking after the Bipolar and have come to the conclusion that it is a conundrum (defined as a confusing and difficult problem or question). It makes no sense. A large problem with this for me, I function better when things DO make sense. The square piece goes in the square hole, just like that child’s toy.
The symptoms are mind blowing to me. How can I be exhausted with heavy eye lids, and still want to run in circles, paint a wall and cut bangs into my hair? Thank goodness I am sleeping, not as much as I have before, but still decent.
Regardless of sleep, I am tired. Yet, the being tired is more of a I am losing my tolerance (I am tired of what is going on). I have been fighting, probably the hardest that I have fought in regard to this disorder. I am frustrated, I do not understand why this is happening. I so desperately want to get to the other side of the bridge of this whole ordeal. The place on the other side of the bridge is where there’s green grass, sunflowers, and butterflies. A place where I can lay down and rest, no vibing, no racing thoughts, just being still.
My emotions are all over the place. I want to cry, but at the same time I can’t. Perhaps I am hesitant to cry due to the fear that I won’t stop. I am petrified of dipping into depression after having been manic for so long. I question, is the drop into depression inevitable?
Everyday I get up and have a little chat with myself, like self-talk. It goes something like this:
You are a badass.
There is nothing that can keep you down. You’ve got this even though you don’t think that you can handle it.
You are going to put your face on, pick out a stellar outfit and you are going to walk with your head held high. You have permission to cry, that’s what waterproof mascara is for.
You will continue to press on. You ARE Bootstrap Belle and you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start walking. You’ve got this. You are strong.
Now off you go, go get ‘em tiger!
I want to stop counting the days, hopefully we are getting close. I will trust that all the pieces are coming together and through this whole process I am getting stronger and more resilient.