There are tears today, tears of frustration.
I am struggling to type; it feels like there is a fight between my fingers and the keyboard keys. So many typos. Typing the wrong letters in incorrect order in a dyslexic manner. As I consider myself to be an educated and gifted person, this is a huge struggle, one I am taking quite personally. I feel like I am failing, at such a simple task. I have the urge to push my keyboard and monitor off my desk in a fit of anger. To say that I am irritated is an understatement. I am furious.
The irritability side of Bipolar is nothing to be messed with. I equate it to the pissed off lion pacing in its cage. Or how about the “Don’t poke the bear”, the forewarning that if you do in fact, poke the bear, she will fuck you up good.
I despise this part of the Bipolar roller coaster ride. It brings out the absolute worst in me. I want to punch a wall as result of the sound of teeth brushing. I notice there is a spot on the floor, crumbs on the counter and I lose my shit, hands on hips, chicken neck-bob temper tantrum. It is heartbreaking. It hurts. My heart and my head. I turn into a monster and my behavior is ugly and scary.
There was a time in my life when I was on the receiving end of such behavior and oh goodness how frightening it was. The trauma is still very much alive.
I told myself I would never be like that. I would not have my family fear about which Michelle is going to walk through the door, and yet this is happening. What a disappointment.
After going through treatment the end of last year I learned things. Some techniques are applicable, others presumably a waste of time and money.
One thing that I have learned to do is to mentally process the anger, the frustration, the fear, and literally sit with it. When you feel it come up, acknowledge the feeling, and feel it. Is there a temperature? What color is it? Is it moving in a certain direction? What else do you see? Feel? Sense?
When using these techniques it helps me to calm down. For me, in the present, the anger that is streaming through my arms is a deep dark blue. It is swirling and moving up and down my arms. I see small light marks that are what appears to be twinkling. The feeling that overcomes me is fear, the fear of failure, linked to abandonment. The thoughts that I am not good enough and can accomplish nothing.
I think that it is natural and normal to have things that are frustrating and cause angst. I have learned that the bigger part, where the money is, is how we process the feelings. I have a lot of work to do today. I will succeed.