Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

When the sun goes down

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There are many creatures that surface when the sun falls behind the trees and stops illuminating the sky with its warmth and majesty.

At this time, there are vampires, werewolves, and zombies to name a few (the only few that I know), that come out of their hidey holes.  Thinking about it, Werewolves, do they come out at night or just turn when there is a full moon?.  We will include them for the sake of arguing and I can do the research and get all educated about the undead later.

Vampires attack humans and suck their blood (and if you have read the Sookie Stackhouse series, they do a bit more as well, wink wink). Werewolves do werewolvey stuff, like grow hair and run and occasionally maul someone, zombies, well they eat brains after they have been dragging their feet and making growning noises and looking all yuck!.

Scary stuff. THOSE are the reasons we lock the doors at night and for the vampire thing, why I cook with so much garlic.  Gotta ward off the massive and dangerous beasts of previously living humans.

 

I bring up the living dead because it dawned on me that I transform at night as well.  I am not the sweetest person in the world at ALL times, but my composition is typically kind and loving.  This may be true during normal circumstances, but not during mania episodes.

The last three weeks I have been really evaluating what the fudge sticks is going on, what I can do to fix it myself and what I need help with by my professional team.

It has not been but for the last few days (three maybe) that the irritability side of the mania has set into my soul and has been working to destroy me from the inside out.  It has been an insanely intense warfare.

I have been struggling to type accurately, and it is blowing my mind off my shoulders.  By trade I am an Executive Assistant and typing is quite important.  Right now, I type a few words, delete a few words due to errors, and it goes on repeat.  And what continues is the overwhelming desire to throw my laptop across the room.  The not being able to type makes me feel like I am declining cognitively and incapable of completing my assigned duties.  Plus it is taking me twice as long to get anything done.

When my brain is not operating as programmed as it has in the past, I want to punch a wall.  Because that will made everything better (that’s sarcasm folks).  I am intelligent, but right now I feel like so not the smartest person and it hurts, my head, my heart, my pride.

The interaction with my family consists of “why did you do that?” questions.  There is no need for the question but that burning desire in me to pick a fight is just too strong to override.

 

Last night, after picking a fight, it dawned on me that these episodes get considerably worse at the end of the day.  It is usually after dinner, so what 7 PM ish?  I am physically incapable of keeping my mouth shut.  I feel out of control of my own body and can see on their faces that they are taken aback from my actions.  Even my cats scatter like I am a monster.

 

Next time I meet with my doctor I am going to share my revelation.  Perhaps with this data point about my nightly transformation, I can obtain some relief, not only for me but for my family.

3 thoughts on “When the sun goes down”

    1. I am familiar as my poppy has dementia (breaks my heart and I miss him so).
      I was thinking for me maybe it’s the exhaustion from pushing myself all day. I’m going to brain storm relaxation techniques to help at the end of the day so I’m less explosive.

      Like

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