Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

The Red Queen

red queen with pigThe Red Queen from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland is quite known for exclaiming “Off with their head(s)!”  She had quite the temper, took it out on everyone and everything around her.

Today, I feel like the Red Queen.  I want to walk through the office building yelling “Off with your head!” to each and every person I come in contact with for no reason whatsoever.  I am in just one of “those” moods.  The moods that are dangerous and destructive, making one shake in their little space boots.

There is not much that can lull these moods, except isolation, at least for me.

I spent 90% of the waking hours of the long weekend in my craft room sewing.  Sewing is great right?  I was making masks that help keep people safe, so why is this being brought up? The deep seeded reason I was indisposed for so long was because I was hiding.  I don’t know what I was hiding from, but the answer could be, “I don’t know…”  I was just feeling off, feeling distant, feeling sad.  At the same time, I had to be moving, to be doing something.  I needed mental stimulation, to keep my fingers busy.

It hit me like a two by four to the face last night that there was some depression and mania going on.  I was manically making masks, sitting for up to 10 hours, but all the while feeling empty and sorrowful.

My sleep has been disturbed.  I have been waking up very early in the morning and have been falling asleep in my mashed potatoes, just as I did as a child.  It has been hard to adjust to the new medication schedule and I find myself loathing the act of taking it at its prescribed times.

Due to the medication, I fall asleep very easily in the evenings, and am missing out on family time.  I hide all day, emerge at dinner, only to fall asleep while the rest of the family enjoys a show or two.

Sadness fills me.  I am missing out on precious time with my family, and I cannot stop myself from the urge, hence the desire, to be alone.  This is ripping my heart in two, such confliction.

Relief must come.  I do not want to continue like this.  I want a more content life, a better quality of life.

4 thoughts on “The Red Queen”

  1. I am truly sorry that you are going through such hell.
    Your description of your moods remind me of my quick temper. I was given a mood stabilizer which has changed things for me.
    Falling asleep early in the evening is I think quite common. Sometimes I am asleep before 7 at night. It is all because of the meds I take for bedtime.
    I really hope that your Psychiatrist can find the right med cocktail for you!
    Will be thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!
      I am fighting through this with all my might. I will not allow this to defeat me or even allow there to be flesh wounds.I know a lot of what I am experiencing is med related. I hate it but I know that there are benefits to the meds, and that the benefits outweigh the side effects… such a vicious circle!
      I know in time we can get this all figured out… until then i am going to fight street fighter video game style!

      Liked by 1 person

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