Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

The Phoenix and a Diagnosis

 

blue and silver stetoscope
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It is funny.  Not funny ha-ha, but funny the other way.

I find it humorous how I can be in a “mood”, just in general.  It does not seem like it can get worse.  The irritability is present and boiling inside of me.  The irritability is something I am quite tired of.  All of this is in play and then you go online in your portal and you see the diagnosis.  Your diagnosis.

I am not mad; I am not sad.  I am numb.  The diagnosis sounds so harsh on paper.  Like a little vicious monster reaching up grabbing ankles; vicious.  Yet, the diagnosis’ are just words.  Words that are for insurance purposes.  Words that help to direct a doctor along the right path, prescribing the right medication, to help me.

I have said often, a diagnosis does not bother me, it’s just for insurance purposes.  Today that is a lie.  It is in this moment that I am hurting.  The words together to form a string of diagnostic terms in a sentence, bringing pain and shame.

I know I am not a diagnosis; I am Michelle.  I am not defined by a diagnosis either, I know this to be true.  However, goodness bees knees it hurts today.  Perhaps I am being sensitive.  It very well could be contributed to my coming down from the manic high that I have been on for five weeks now.  In addition there is the “bad data” that is in my head, beating the shit out of myself.

Some days are easier than others.

I woke up this morning and I felt off.  I was in a fine mood, but just felt like I was wearing an itchy sweater.  The sweater is adorable, but it is not mixing with my skin.  I am excited to be adorable, but I am miserable at the same time.

The really wonderful thing is that this is all temporary.  This too shall pass.  I will get through this.  I will get to a point where the diagnosis does not affect me like it is doing today.  I am not the diagnosis I have been given, I know this to be true, although today I am struggling to believe it.

This is something that I will rise above, like the phoenix out of the fire.

5 thoughts on “The Phoenix and a Diagnosis”

  1. You are correct that what you are going through will pass.
    You will find eventually that you are not thinking about your diagnosis. Even when you take your medications it will not phase you.
    I very seldom think about the fact I am bi-polar, except when I write on my blog.
    So, you must believe that you have multiple supports that you can lean on.
    Your family sounds so supportive, that is a major positive, some people are going through this without anyone else there.
    I cheer for you every time I think about you and your struggles.
    Here’s a high five from Canada! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. this am i am struggling, i have so many ideas to write about but getting it down to my fingers is just not working for me.
      I am very blessed with what I have at home. they are the best.
      i really appreciate your support. keep me in mind today as it is starting off rocky and I would really like to have a pleasant sunday to round out the weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. thank you. I am still struggling but i have this stinky suspicion that I am about to turn the corner on this cycle. Just keeping with the positive thinking, reading books that are inspirational and just trying to keep myself in a positive place, as hard as that is on most days.

        Liked by 1 person

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