There are times when I get knocked down and I get back up immediately. There are other times I get knocked down and I play in the dirt a bit and then I rise. Then there are the times I get knocked down and I lay in the dirt like I am about to make dirt angels and I stare up at the sky squinting and I talk to God.
For me, these conversations usually go, what the fuck?
Overall, I try to be a positive person. I attempt to keep my eyes on the prize. To get up each and every time that I get knocked down. However, there are times when I literally feel like I do not have an ounce of energy. Feeling I am spent, I have nothing left to give. So, I am going to lay here, in the dirt and just get filthy because you know what, that is what I want to do right now. I do not care about the dirt getting in my hair and my pants. It does not occur to me that the reddish-brown dirt is going to stain my clothes, I just do not care.
However, staring up at the sky, the sun so bright, I start to think. I ponder all the things that I have accomplished. I think about the things that I have been through and successfully navigated. I start to feel energized. I also think about the people in my life. I think a lot about my spouse and my kids.
My family is very self-functioning, but I know that there are things that I bring to the table (physically and metaphorically) that help complete the family. I am an integral part to our family of four. I make the four. We are a square. Even on each side. Each person giving enough of what they need to give to keep us as a square, not a rectangle or a parallelogram (I think that is the right shape that I am thinking of).
I got hit with hard news today. Nothing devastating, just stuff I did not want to hear. Hearing it pissed me off and then I went numb. At one point, staring off into the abyss, I just broke down and cried (waterproof mascara was the right choice today). I am a mixed bag of emotions.
The thing I settled on though, and the answer to the “what the fuck?” question is that I am going to suit up, pull myself up out of the dirt by my bootstraps, dust all the dirt off myself and I am going to stand there and say “bring it!”
I am strong. I can get through this. It is not, by any sense of the imagination, going to be easy, but you know what, I have NEVER backed down from a challenge. I may have fought it and refused at first, but in the end, I stepped up to the plate and I tried my best.
This will be no different. I have got this.