Bipolar Disorder

Dirt Angels

There are times when I get knocked down and I get back up immediately.  There are other times I get knocked down and I play in the dirt a bit and then I rise.  Then there are the times I get knocked down and I lay in the dirt like I am about to make dirt angels and I stare up at the sky squinting and I talk to God.

For me, these conversations usually go, what the fuck?

Overall, I try to be a positive person.  I attempt to keep my eyes on the prize.  To get up each and every time that I get knocked down.  However, there are times when I literally feel like I do not have an ounce of energy.  Feeling I am spent, I have nothing left to give.  So, I am going to lay here, in the dirt and just get filthy because you know what, that is what I want to do right now.  I do not care about the dirt getting in my hair and my pants.  It does not occur to me that the reddish-brown dirt is going to stain my clothes, I just do not care.

However, staring up at the sky, the sun so bright, I start to think.  I ponder all the things that I have accomplished.  I think about the things that I have been through and successfully navigated.  I start to feel energized.  I also think about the people in my life.  I think a lot about my spouse and my kids. 

My family is very self-functioning, but I know that there are things that I bring to the table (physically and metaphorically) that help complete the family.  I am an integral part to our family of four.  I make the four.  We are a square.  Even on each side.  Each person giving enough of what they need to give to keep us as a square, not a rectangle or a parallelogram (I think that is the right shape that I am thinking of).

I got hit with hard news today.  Nothing devastating, just stuff I did not want to hear.  Hearing it pissed me off and then I went numb.  At one point, staring off into the abyss, I just broke down and cried (waterproof mascara was the right choice today).  I am a mixed bag of emotions.

The thing I settled on though, and the answer to the “what the fuck?” question is that I am going to suit up, pull myself up out of the dirt by my bootstraps, dust all the dirt off myself and I am going to stand there and say “bring it!”

I am strong.  I can get through this.  It is not, by any sense of the imagination, going to be easy, but you know what, I have NEVER backed down from a challenge.  I may have fought it and refused at first, but in the end, I stepped up to the plate and I tried my best.

This will be no different.  I have got this.

4 thoughts on “Dirt Angels”

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