I am tired.
Yet I am awake.
I feel beat up.
But in the same regard, I feel empowered.
It is pretty mind blowing to be able to be in two places at once, oh like, let us say, rapid cycling? Being up and down at the same time, crazy energized and ultimately bitter exhausted, soft like a lamb while roaring like a lion.
It is a mind flucker to think that this is even possible. But it IS, and it IS happening, and has been happening for weeks now.
This morning I was in no place to listen to reason. I wanted none of it. I wanted to yell and cry. I wanted to hide and pound on walls. Explode and implode all at the same time.
The biggest gift that came out of this “issue” is that I asked for my needs to be met. I asked to just be loved. I probably DID need to hear the positives (who does not) but I asked for what I wanted, and I was respected, and I was given that love.
I have still cried multiple times today (let me tell you this Clinique waterproof mascara is the shit!) I felt sorry for myself. I did the whole, “why me…” “Oh whoa is me…” “this totally and utterly sucks”, but as I sit here typing, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will get through this last stage of the rapid cycling. It CAN’T last forever; it is just not possible. At some point my brain has to say, “that’s it, you are too strong for me, I wave the white flag!”
I have a tattoo of Picasso’s dove on my back. Below it scribed in Polish is the word Pokoj. It means peace. Today, I am embracing the peace that is giving strength to my spine. The strength that my Poppy uses daily and his mother used way back in the day when she was in Poland.
Today, I will have peace.