It has been a few posts since I did “the countdown” … the “countdown” that I never explained (or have I forgotten ?!?)
It is day 44 since the breakdown that started this here spiral into rapid cycling that has tried (yes, tried being the most important word) to ruin my life.
44 days is a bit of time. I have almost been able to set two habits in place and then also break a few. It is enough time for a person to see the difference when starting a diet or exercise regime. As well as an ample number of days to test your patience and leaving you in a rage filled bucket of tears (both daily).
There were a number of things that I have attributed to this current rapid cycling tour de France. It is a quarter. I have historically had instability in mood each quarter. This quarter included Mother’s Day which is a hard one for a person who suffered from infertility. There is this thing called a pandemic going on that has totally mind fucked my catastrophic anxiety filled brain. Let us also throw in wacky hormone levels. I would say that is a nice little mix for a challenge.
This go around I have spent more time being angry and filled with rage. I am not sure at what or whom, just angry. The desire to have a physical outlet has been the hardest to fight. It is amazing how invigorating it is to not be able to thread a needle when you desperately want, scratch that, need to sew. All sorts of things came close to flying, much like they would in part of the Harry Potter movies.
There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel the slow decline out of the “air” referred to as mania. Am I settling into some depression, yes, but let us focus on the fact I am no longer high as a kite.
I am going to work hard to remain optimistic that this will be a “soft” landing. That balance will be restored, and peace will envelop me.