Sitting
Waiting
Looking
Anticipating
The anxiety that ensues when you are waiting to see a doctor. A new doctor mind you. A proclaimed expert doctor. A doctor that may be able to tell you something new or the same as what you’ve heard before. Time and time again.
It’s the wondering. The thinking of who is this person. Do they have a good vibe? Will we jive? What’s THEIR story?
My anxiety is rising as the time ticks on the clock that sits above the seats that are lined up against the wall. It’s been 25 minutes since my appointment time of 4 PM. Are they running late? Did I get the appointment time wrong? Am I in the right place? Did they forget about me?
So much happening. Head is swirling. Due to the number of appointments over the last few weeks, one appointment blurring into another. Did who say what? Did what say who? Did I take proper notes? Will I remember all of this? Will I be confident enough to ask my 45 prepared questions? Will some of the questions answer themselves? Am I under prepared, or am I over prepared. I think the latter.
I notice I’m clinching my teeth, of all teeth, my front teeth, and by golly it hurts. I need to stop doing this. It turns out if you push your tongue up against the roof of your mouth it helps with clenching. At this I think so. Or it is if you stick your tongue on your elbow??
I hope I don’t cry. But after the cry fest that happens each day and tears are probably going to flow. They flow on a daily basis, tears, tissues and snot. Story of my life right now.
I’m an emotional person by nature but when I’m wavering in the depression field tears flow like a faucet. I feel passion about my life, my mental health and that’s usually expressing through tears and/or fits of irritability. It’s amazing how I swing between the two.
This is all quite annoying and frustrating but hey that’s bi polar disorder to a T. It is what I have been given and I will do my best to make the best of this situation called life.
