I have been in seclusion and it has been sometime since I have created a blog entry. The ability to write was not present as I was facing trials and tribulations. There just was not bandwidth to write. Plus, for once in my life, I had nothing to say.
I am not going to go into the deep details as to all that has happened because I would be here forever typing, and you would probably get bored reading.
What I wanted to touch on was what the experiences have taught me. My eyes have been opened and I feel like progress has been made in a weird going in circles kind of a way.
It is amazing how when challenging times come, it can feel like time is standing still. And then at the same time it feels like it vanishes all in the same respect. I feel like I lost a few months of time due to a variety in mood and extended periods of instability.
I look through my phone and there is little to no record of events happening for at least a month if not more. No selfies that I typically send to mom weekly, if not daily, to show her my cute outfit or how I am wearing jewelry that she gifted me. No pictures of my cats doing cute things. No motivational sayings or words of encouragement. Just bleakness. And this breaks my heart.
At times I think that I don’t realize how bad things are until I am on the other side of the road and I am looking back and seeing things clearly for the first time in an extended period of time. It is like I am looking at a dry waste land. A space void of life, activity, normalcy.
During this time there was no joy. There was no happiness. There was trudging through each day just to make it to the next day to do the same thing all over again. There was a lot of being trapped in my head. Stuck in my thoughts, lost.
With all that has happened since the onset of the summer months, I am now in a place where I am starting to feel enjoyment. I am still struggling with complacency, but it is getting better. I can see how supportive my family was during my trials. How their love kept me in a place where I knew that I was not alone. They surrounded me with strength during a time when I was weak and frail.
I am not going to pretend that things are all better now. I still have a way to go. There are more positive moments occurring in each and every day. I even have some full-fledged “good” days, but I am not going to get too caught up in the small victories to lose sight of where I came from, the dark depths of depression. The depression still lingers, and we are working to get it under wraps, but these things take time. I did not get to this place overnight. And much like not getting to a place overnight, I will not be victorious overnight either. It takes time, patience, and challenging work.
I have lost count of the times that I have recited, almost chanted, “I want to be better”. I have grown tired of being “sick” and not able to function in a normal capacity. I yearn for the days of lightness and happiness. To be able to make it through a day without crying over something. A day when my thoughts are not comprised solely of my mental health and how it is wreaking havoc in my life.
I long for the lightness of life. The walking with a pep in my step. The days when a smile crept across my face for no reason whatsoever. Days when motivation flowed from my veins and I did not need to depend on discipline due to the immense amount of motivation that was coursing through my veins. The days when I could think positive and happy thoughts. When I was not held captive by fears and insecurities.
Today is a new day. I will continue to battle because that is what I know how to do. I will not succumb to the attacks that have been launched upon my mind and body. I will persevere. I will do so with confidence and with grace. I have got this, not just by myself but with the support of my family. I am not alone.