Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, recovery

Each day is a gift

Within the last two months someone I knew from my childhood and growing up years passed away suddenly at a young age.  I was presently not close to this person but found out about her passing through social media.  It hurt my heart immensely.

I hurt for her spouse and her family.  She was young and it is the holiday season, two factors that cause the passing to hurt even more I suppose.  And then there was the suddenness of it.  It happened out of the blue and came as much of a surprise.

The idea that life is a gift came to my mind in an overwhelming way and stuck with me.  Also, that we never know when our time is going to expire also hit me hard.  I have not been able to let go the feelings surrounded around the reality that we don’t know how long we have on this earth and when we will be called “home”.

My anxiety has gotten the best of me and when a child or spouse oversleeps my brain goes to the thought or more like fear, that they passed away in their sleep.  I know this is anxiety and I process it by combating it with rational thought, but it is still disturbing.

I have found that each day I wake up I have a little bit of joy in my heart.  I look forward to each day and what it may bring me.  This is a huge change from the way I felt over the summer months when depressing was infiltrating my every muscle.  This is something that I use to determine my success in challenging the depression and living a less depressed, more joy filled life.  The days have become easier and more enjoyable.  But there is still that nagging insecurity of the fragileness of life.  That at any point and time it may be our last and what that would be and look like.

Undergoing ECT treatments means that I go under anesthesia each time I have a procedure, which right now is weekly.  There are low risks associated with this but there is still some risk involved.  Heart rates increase typically while under anesthesia and although monitored by the staff in the room this could be a cause for concern.  The anxiety that crowds my thinking makes me fear that my life may be cut short, but this forces me to enjoy each moment that I have to live.

Changes I have made since finding out about this person passing have included being more diligent with letting my family know that I love them and appreciate who they are and all that they are.  I have slowed down immensely.  I take in each minute and hold on to it knowing that at any moment it may be taken away from me.  I stop and take notice of the little things and am more grateful for all that I have in my life.  It has been a real eye opener.

This experience has left me with the overwhelming feeling that each day is a gift.  I feel we should be grateful for every day that we are given and all that it entails.  Spending more time in gratitude changes the perspective of things and changes the way we process our thoughts and actions.  Being in a place of gratitude makes things shinier and more bright.  I have found that life has been more enjoyable since I slowed down and embraced what I have been given.  I am thankful for each and every moment of every day that I have been gifted.  I treasure the gift and am immensely thankful.

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