anorexia, Bipolar Disorder, endometriosis, Uncategorized

The Perfect Figure: 36″-24″-36″

d53a6c9f34bfd6c200a31ff94e6d8100For many, many years, I have had it in my head of what I think I should look like.  And much of this can be summed up in a Victoria Secret model.  Flat stomach, edged with muscles, thin thighs, perky butt and very present, a voluptuous bosom.  And in addition to have the “perfect” measurements of 36-24-36…Totally practical right?  I mean there are a ton of everyday people walking around sporting this type of body, right?

With the help of Victoria Secret bras, I was able to pull this look off for several years, yet never fully satisfied.  Never having kids helped me maintain a trim figure and the whole slipping back into the whoas of Anorexia and Bulimia every few years also did the trick.  I maintained a lower weight for my frame and I was quite pleased about it.  I did not really have to exercise and when the scale started to inch up, I just cut down on my intake, exercised a wee bit and alas I’d drop the unwanted pounds that had crept on board.

Much changed when I had a hysterectomy in 2014.  That flat stomach now was a little round.  The weight I maintained for 10-15 years, was now 10 pounds heavier.  My hips were wider, bum was thicker and holy Jesus and Moses I surpassed a B cup and graduated into a C cup.  However, I was maintaining my weight, although a little bit heavier than I once was, so I was dealing with it.  No need to get all crazy and start becoming a gym rat or anything.  Just kept an eye on what I ate, do the occasional starvation and laxative abuse and the number would stay right where it should be.  Easy peasy!

In 2016 I ended up gaining a little bit more than 20 pounds as result of the mood stabilizer Saphris.  I was so incredibly depressed that I did not care about the weight gain.  I just wanted the emotional pain to stop and for the misery to leave me.  When the clouds parted, I was disgusted with my weight gain and miserable.  I had never been this weight in my life and much to my surprise I was now in the “overweight” category and I thought my world was ending.  Months later I came off that medication and I lost the weight that I had gained.  However, that bump in my abdomen was still present and this was just not acceptable.  I’ve never worked out so much in my life, only to see a reduction in inches, but that damn bubble was still there.

Presently, due to medication and hormones, I am nearly 10 pounds up and yet again, miserable.  Although thinner than I was in 2016, I am heavier than I was at the start of the year and the number on the scale just keeps increasing.  For a person who thinks Christina Hendricks is gorgeous, and I envy her, in my mind it is just not acceptable to look like her.  Why do I deem the perfect shape being that of a Victoria Secret model, a shape that a very small population possesses?  Why do I have to choose between mental stability and weight stability?  Why is how my clothes fit more important than how my brain functions?  Why is the number on the scale the thing that determines my worth?

It was suggested that I take every Victoria Secret model picture that I have in my home, or that of a person that fits that shape, and put it in a box and burn it.  It was also suggested that I take a Barbie doll and add her to the mix, as she is also an example of unrealistic expectations when it comes to shape and size.  I have yet to do this, as I think it is a bit funky, but I did look in the mirror today and I told myself that my shape was gorgeous.  That I was perfect just that way that I am.  I was recently told that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I behold you to be beautiful” and this is from a man whom has never lied to me, therefore I should believe every word that he tells me.

This is a start on a very long and treacherous path of self and body acceptance, but it’s about time that I conquer this thing, before I self-destruct.

endometriosis, Uncategorized

It’s Back!!!!

triptank_108_obgyn_02_640x360I am sitting in the waiting room “playing” on my iPhone.  I take notice of the people who are sitting around me.  An elderly woman walks from the reception desk and drags her left leg slightly behind her.  She sits down with a thud.  Adjacent to me is a younger couple, realistically probably my age.  It is a man, husband perhaps, wife, a four-year-old little girl and probably a 15-month-old little boy.  The mom looks tired.  When she stands up to return her paperwork I notice a bulge in her abdomen.  As, I begin to look back down at my phone, the door opens, and a very happy woman walks through the doorway followed by what looks to be her very happy husband, who’s pushing a child, probably two, in a stroller.

If you have not guessed, I spent my morning at the OB/GYN.  I have spent an abundance of time here, to the point where most of the staff knows my face and greets me by my first name.  I’ve been coming to this doctor for nearly nine years now, and sadly, I have an appointment every two to three months.

Every time I am in the office, I interface with someone who is just finding out that they are pregnant, clearly pregnant or attending their postpartum appointment.  Today was no exception.  And today, just like many times before, my heart aches and breaks.  The fact that I never conceived a child and the reality that I never will ever, hurts, like a slow, hot, deep slice into my pale, freckled skin.

Today I was at the doctor to evaluate the source of the abdomen pain on my right side.  I had an ultrasound to determine if there was a mass, as just back in May I had a mass just shy of 5 CM that seemed to pop up out of no where and then before I knew it (less than two weeks from the discovery) I was having my, well, I think my seventh (?) surgeries (I’ve lost count, to be honest) to remove endometriosis from various parts of my abdominal cavity.  I was looking at the screen in the ultrasound room and wondering what it feels like to see the baby that you created on that monitor.  What emotions does a person feel?  When I look at the screen, I am looking for masses, since I have been down this road before.  Unlike with a pregnancy, I am hoping to see nothing, rather than something.  Nothing is good news.

Today, there was nothing but some movement in the bowels (yup, I am full of shit, apparently!).  But, when I consulted with my doctor it was determined that the endometriosis had returned to the area where the mass had been removed just nine months prior.  We did not discuss surgery, it is not severe enough yet.  It was speculated that because of the HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) that this was aggravating the endometriosis and causing a flare.  I have been on the hormones for two years now, following a hysterectomy that was performed in December 2014 due to endometriosis and my history of pain related to the condition.  Endometriosis thrives off estrogen, but I need the estrogen to maintain some sort of peace within my body, both physically and mentally.

I read an article from NCBI and it stated, “For women with endometriosis, hysterectomy is often viewed as a permanent solution to their chronic pelvic pain. For many women, this is the case. However, there will be a small number of women who will experience a recurrence of their symptoms after “definitive” surgery. Women who choose to keep one or both ovaries or start HRT after oophorectomy are at higher risk for recurrence, although the benefits of ovarian conservation or HRT in younger women likely outweigh the risk of disease recurrence.”

So, today I felt numb.  Another appointment where I find out that another part of me is not working as it should.  Another hurdle to overcome.  Another problem that can not be fixed.  I was thinking, “What the hell?”, “Why me?”, “Why is there always something wrong with me?”  And I focused on that for more hours that I should have.  I wasted the morning feeling sorry for myself.

The truths are this:

  1. I am strong, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
  2. I have been through worse and will power through this.
  3. I know my body and know when something is off, and I have the resources available to access care for all my numerous health conditions.
  4. I have a supportive network that consist of family, friends and co-workers.
  5. Much like in the past, I will get through this and will emerge stronger than at the onset.


There are things that are not within our control.  However, we are in control of how we handle what comes about.  It is within our control what we allow ourselves to think and how long we dwell on the surprises that pop up out of the blue.  This too shall pass (my new favorite saying) and the sun will come out tomorrow, in some shape or capacity, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun!



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