It was time.
I have postponed this for long enough.
There was no more room left for excuses and wishful thinking.
I stood in my walk-in closet and looked at my extensive collection of clothing. Shirts all organized by style, followed by skirts, then dresses. There are so many items on the rack that it was hard to add anything else. Many items that should be hung, are neatly folded in the dresser that is outside of the closet. My numerous pairs of jeans are in the cube bookcase that sits below my large bedroom window. I have quite a collection of clothes, I am definitely not in need.
Over the last two months, the weight gain has resurrected, and I am officially up ten pounds. (le sigh) Therefore, the amazing, beautiful, wonderful, soft, LuLaRoe dresses that I bought during Michelleapoolza in January, no longer fit. They are tight on my arms, and my chest. I do this dance, jump, karate chop maneuver to get the zipper up the back of the dresses. It is time that I say, so long, not goodbye, because this is not permanent, just so long for now. I remove them off the hangers and put them in the large tub that I retrieved from the garage. I lay the dresses in the box and tell myself that this is just for now. That history has shown me that my weight fluctuates and decreases over time. I remind myself that I am in the best place I have been since I can remember, mentally speaking. That these are mere clothes, they do not define me. I have a fleeting idea of putting the scale in the box too, but I shake my head as that is far too drastic of a move. Once the LuLaRoe’s are in the box I go for a second pass through the closet. I remove another five dresses, numerous shirts and before I know it, I need another bin. And off to the garage I go…
I wrongly associate my worth by my size. As my weight increases, my perceived self-worth decreases. I look at my body and I can see some changes, but not that big of a change. Therefore, I work to challenge the thoughts that cross my mind. With summer fast approaching, I fear the swim suit, I fear what others may think of me, and how I may be judged. I feel like I want to create a sign that says “I gained weight because I am on medication for bi polar disorder” just because I wrongly assume that people are wondering why I look the way I do.
But, in the back of my head, I have the verse that my mom told me repeatedly growing up (and still tells me today) … I am beautifully and wonderfully made… She also has helped me to focus on what is true, and praiseworthy. I am not defined by my size or shape. My mental stability is far more important than the number on the scale. I will focus on what I have gained and redirect my negative and destructive thinking. I will not resort to old eating disorder behaviors, laxative abuse or over exercising. I will focus my attention on maintaining stability and consistency. I will press on.
Over the weekend it dawned on me that I am in a sweet spot. This is unrelated to my current preoccupation with cake, although that IS part of it. The sweet spot is about where I am in my life at this moment in time.
I sat before my therapist yesterday and I listed off several things that I wanted to work on during our sessions. The two big ones were how my past relationships are still affecting me and my negative body image issues. We started to work on the past relationships.
at crowded my mind and writing was a way to get them out. But as years passed and my mental health issues became more problematic, I stopped writing altogether. It was suggested by my partner that I start my own blog so I could get back to what I enjoy, writing. After much dragging of my feet, in July I started this blog. I had major anxiety related to publishing my writing. Doubts filled my head…What if no one reads my blog? What if I get bad responses from those that do? What if I am not good enough? That last one was the clincher. Much of my life I have feared that I would not be “good enough” and this prevented me from doing things that I really wanted to do.